Scenes from a Hallway
by gleefully-finchel
Summary: This is my new story called Scenes from a Hallway.  It's going to be short scenes that have taken place throughout Glee between Finn and Rachel while taking a trip inside the head of Finn Hudson during those scenes.
1. Scene 1 You're better than all of them

Scene 1

I really do need to start checking under my bed for this girl. I mean sometimes she seems kind of cool and then she just pops up out of nowhere. I do wonder if maybe she is stalking me. The girl can sing but she really has no social skills. And sometimes when she is looking or better yet, staring at me, I get the feeling that I probably wouldn't be safe if I was left alone with her for too long. Maybe Quinn is right about her. She keeps telling me that Rachel Berry is insane and I should stay away from her. But I can't help but think that there is more to her than the way she acts in front of other people. When it IS just the two of us talking, she almost seems normal sometimes. And she is really pretty if you actually look at her.

But the way she is talking, she's making it sound like I'm afraid of what other people think. I'm not. Well not really. I mean I care if they think I'm a loser or something, because I'm not! But I like Glee. I just don't want to do it if I don't have to. It was making my life really difficult and is it so wrong of me to want to make my life easier. Being in football and dating Quinn pretty much makes my life a cakewalk. It's not like I have to do much around here and yet people worship me. It's not a bad life.

So why do I feel so guilty when I let her lie to Quinn about why she is talking to me? It's not like I asked her to lie. But she was probably best to because Quinn looked really pissed. I'm sure I'm going to hear about it later today. She's always mad at me for something. Most of the time I just try and stay quiet so I don't say or do something wrong that is going to make her even more mad at me. But standing here in the hallway talking to Rachel Berry in front of the whole school is probably something that I'm going to pay for later. She seems to buy Rachel's excuse for now and she leaves us alone again, but not before I recognize the look on Quinn's face.

That was the "We'll talk later" look. Or what I like to call the "Quinn is going to talk at me for 30 minutes and if I just admit I'm wrong she will shut up" look. But when I look back at Rachel, the look on her face doesn't seem to be any more promising. I don't really understand her, because it's not like we are friends. I mean sure, I enjoyed talking to her on the bus when we went to see Vocal Adrenaline. She's pretty fun to talk to when she isn't talking about us dating. But I actually enjoy her enthusiasm for singing, and it's nice to hear someone actually believe in me for something other than making them popular.

Rachel doesn't care about being popular. But she cares about singing. I admire that in her. She doesn't care what anyone thinks about her. She just wants to be up there on the stage doing what she loves. And in a perfect world, I could see myself doing that. But this is Lima, Ohio. And that kind of stuff gets you killed! I try and explain to her that I'm just too busy. That being in Glee conflicts with football and Quinn. But she just immediately jumped to the conclusion that it's all about my reputation. Who does she think she is just assuming what I care about?

And then she tells me that I'm better than all of them. And I honestly don't understand how she can believe in me like that. What have I ever done for her to have that kind of faith in me? I mean just last month we threw eggs at her car. And now she thinks I'm better than everyone here. Sometimes that tiny little girl really does surprise me. And a part of me wants to be the kind of guy that she sees in me. I just don't know if I can.

**Stacy – Gleefully Finchel**


	2. Scene 2 Rehearsal or Celibacy Club

Scene 2

I have no idea why I let Rachel talk me in to this stuff. I really thought putting up these banners would help us get guys to join glee club. Instead it just got us in the principal's office and just one more thing I'm going to have to explain to Quinn. It was kind of cute the way she got so excited about making those banners though. I didn't understand half of what she was talking about but she was just so into it that she kind of drew me in too. She has that effect on me for some reason. I can't explain it.

She really is insane and crazy most of the time. But I really enjoy her passion. She cares so deeply about the Glee club that you almost can't help but care just as much when you are with her. And she continues to make me feel good about myself. Like I'm actually good at this too. Which is pretty insane considering she has a voice like an angel and there is no way I could be anywhere near as talented as she is. But she just has a way of making you believe.

But then Mr. Schue says we still have to sing that stupid disco song for the pep rally and I think that there isn't enough belief in the world for me to get through that disaster with my reputation still intact. Quinn is going to freak out when she sees it. She is mad enough at me for continuing to be in this club, but if I embarrass her in front of the whole school I'm never going to hear the end of it. And let's not even start with what the football players are going to do to me. No amount of paintball in the world will compare to the beating I'm going to take.

But still, it almost seems worth it when I see Rachel looking up at me with that look of complete faith and trust in her eyes. She honestly believes I can do anything. I don't really think that's the case, but I feel like I want to try. It's almost like I want her to be proud of me too. I don't even understand it myself. I mean I hardly know her. But somehow here I am, walking down the hallway with her and I don't even care who sees us. Maybe just standing up there at that assembly and being proud of who I am will be enough to keep me safe from the school. Maybe they will understand after all. Really, it is only singing. It's not like we are up on the stage killing puppies or something. They gotta understand, right?

She asks me to rehearse with her after school and a part of me wants to say yes just so I can spend more time with her alone. I just feel like there is more to her. If I could just get to know her better I think it might be cool. Maybe I could make her cool. Though I kinda doubt that's possible because the other 70% of the time she is kinda crazy and this school isn't really ready for crazy. Before I can tell her yes I remember that I have celibacy club with Quinn after school. I'm actually kind of bummed about it because spending some time getting to know Rachel is probably a ton more fun than hanging out with the cheerleaders while they talk about not putting out for their boyfriends. But if I don't show up for this meeting I think it might send Quinn over the edge. Refusing to drop out of Glee club has me in enough trouble with her already. No. I need to go to that meeting. Maybe I can rehearse with Rachel later in the auditorium. That actually sounds like a good idea. I think I'll ask her later.

**Stacy – Gleefully Finchel**


	3. Scene 3 A kiss is just a kiss

Scene 3

She can't be serious. She really wants to just ditch Mr. Schue like this. I don't understand why she would start listening to the rest of the club now. She never listened to anyone else before. I expected this crap out of Quinn, she never does anything unless her friends agree with her and she definitely isn't loyal enough to stand by Mr. Schue. But Rachel, she's supposed to be different from Quinn. She's supposed to stand up and fight this. And cookies? Really? Like baking is just going to make everything better. I don't care how cute she looks standing there with that damn plate of pink cookies. I'm not going along with this. Wait. Did I just say she looked cute? Dammit Hudson, pull your shit together. You are with Quinn. You have to stop this thing with Rachel, whatever it is.

But everyone seems to disagree with me. I can't believe they want to do this to Mr. Schue. Just because he's bad at choreography. I'm bad at dancing and they haven't tried to replace me. Well, yet. I look over at Quinn disapprovingly but she looks extremely happy with herself and that makes me even angrier so I chase after Rachel instead. I don't understand why she is being so annoying about this. Unless this isn't about Mr. Schue at all. Maybe this is more about what we aren't talking about.

The kiss. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It was amazing. Kissing Rachel was like finally understanding the reason for existing. And yet it was so wrong. I should have never kissed her. If Quinn ever found out I'd be a dead man. And yet, the way Rachel is storming out of here, I would probably be safer facing Quinn than Rachel right now. She hasn't even looked me in the eyes since that kiss. I don't really know why I'm even following her out into the hall. But I just have to know what's going on with her. I have to know why she won't talk to me.

And now she's staring at me and I can tell she wants to say something that she isn't saying. And I have to know so I ask her if this is about the auditorium. I guess I never expected her to fight back so hard. It was a kiss. It's not like we had sex or anything. She really is overreacting. I mean, it didn't mean anything right? Sure it was a great kiss. But, really what can one kiss mean in the whole high school reality anyway. Guys kiss girls. Guys kiss girls when they have girlfriends. It happens all the time. Hell, Puck does it every day just about. What the hell makes me, this kiss, Rachel, so different that it has to mean something?

But she keeps talking and I feel like she slapped me in the face. She might of well have, because her words have left a sting in my cheeks. Do I have feelings for her? She's wrong. Because I'm with Quinn. It was just a kiss, right? Just because you kiss someone doesn't mean you have feelings for them. She's being so fucking emotional right now. It's Rachel Berry. I do not have feelings for Rachel Berry. Not when I'm dating one of the most popular girls in school. But she's looking up at me and all I can feel is my heart sinking. I have this sudden urge to apologize to her. This is stupid. What the hell has come over you Hudson? Man up! I gotta put my foot down here. This isn't about that kiss. This is about Mr. Schue. She has to understand that.

But she doesn't. And maybe I don't either. Because as she walks away all I can think about is that damn kiss and the way I thought that my heart was going to beat out of my chest the second her lips touched mine. It was a good thing we were lying down because my legs would have collapsed beneath me if we were standing. I don't understand how this tiny little girl is doing this to me. I'm Finn fucking Hudson! I don't get feelings for high maintenance drama queen's like Rachel Berry. No. I do not have feelings for her. I can't. But why am I still standing here watching her walk away thinking that all I really want to do is run after her and kiss her again.

**Stacy – Gleefully Finchel**


	4. Scene 4 Her dreams are bigger than me

Scene 4

It's not like I kissed her again. I mean I did, but really she kissed me. So it doesn't count as cheating right? Just because I enjoyed it doesn't mean I like her either! All I want is this stupid scholarship so that I can pay for this baby. It really is just my luck that I would get my girlfriend pregnant without actually getting to enjoy having sex with her. Someone must really hate me. And now I'm not even really sure what I am supposed to say to Rachel. She's going to find out about Quinn soon anyway. I mean it's not like Quinn can just hide under some really big clothes for a few months. Shit. Rachel is going to hate me after this.

I see her coming down the hall and the next thing I know I can feel the sting on my cheek from her hand and I look down at her expecting to see hate in her eyes. But what I see is even worse. I just see hurt and disappointment. I never wanted her to look at me like that. It wasn't my intention to hurt her. I don't really know how this got so out of control. I know that Rachel likes me. It's pretty freaking obvious even to me and I'm usually pretty clueless about this stuff. But I knew that asking her out was the best way to get her to come back to Glee. I just didn't think I would actually enjoy hanging out at the bowling alley with her.

Rachel is really a lot of fun when it's just me and her. And she was so adorable with that stupid pink ball. When she finally bowled that strike the light in her eyes was so bright that I got lost just looking at her. And then she kissed me and for a moment I completely forgot who I was. I forgot that I'm just a Lima loser who got his girlfriend pregnant in a damn hot tub. For a moment, I felt like I was her hero. Like just being with her meant that I could do anything. I got so wrapped up in her kiss that for a second I saw my life with her. It was the happiest I had felt in months, hell maybe years.

It wasn't until I dropped her back off at her home and she looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes and said goodnight that it all came crashing down on me. I was using her. I was an asshole. I used her feelings for me to get what I needed from her. And now I just feel like crap. But the joke was on me, because instead of trying to use her feelings for me I ended up getting lost in my own. And now all I can think about is what it felt like to kiss her and feel so goddamn special. And now she is standing there looking so hurt and disappointed in me and I don't know how to even defend myself.

I don't know why I tell her that the kiss meant something to me. I'm supposed to STOP hurting her, not tell her that I felt something when I kissed her. Not when I'm stuck with Quinn now. I can't just leave Quinn with a kid because I have some kind of feelings I don't understand for Rachel Berry. But Rachel is right. Her dreams are big. And I don't even think about them as dreams, because let's face it; Rachel is going to be a star. She's going to get out of here and make something of herself because she's not a Lima loser like the rest of us here. She's not Quinn. She isn't stuck in this town and pregnant with nowhere to go with her life. Maybe Rachel is better off with me staying away from her. I already destroyed Quinn's life. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I ruined Rachel's dreams too.


	5. Scene 5 Vitamin D

Scene 5

I'm freaking tired all the time. It's hard being me. I have to deal with homework, football, Glee, and Quinn. I thought Quinn was difficult before she got pregnant, but pregnant Quinn is way worse. She's angry at me all the time. And on top of that I'm not sleeping at night because every time I try and close my eyes, I see Rachel's face. I know I haven't always been the best guy in the world, but what the hell God! Give me a break just this one time. I guess I figured taking the Vitamin D was a good way of balancing out all the crap in my life. It's the first time in days that I have felt awake enough to actually do my homework. And singing that song in Glee was exactly what I needed to get my mind off of things.

But of course Rachel is angry about it. Why does Kurt have to tell the girls EVERYTHING? She's just upset because we were better than her. She can't handle anyone doing anything better than her in glee. She's intimidated by me. For once. It's almost like I'm actually enjoying the look of defeat in her eyes. I enjoy seeing her squirm. Rachel is rarely nervous about being better than anyone when it comes to singing. She knows she is the best. But she's going to lose this time.

Sure maybe we cheated a little bit. Bur really we only took Vitamin D to give us energy. And Mrs. Schue said it wasn't bad for us so what is the harm anyway? And it's actually kind of fun to mess with Rachel. She takes everything so seriously. Why can't I come out on top for once? It's killing her that I found a way to beat her. It's all over her face how shocked she is. But the worst thing is that I'm really enjoying how incredibly hot she looks when she's this mad at me. When Quinn is mad at me, which is pretty much every day right now, she just looks scary. And she gets kind of mean when she talks down to me.

But Rachel, she kind of glows. She gets all this energy built up and tries to act tough but really all I'm thinking about is how hot it would be to kiss her when she's mad at me. I bet kissing angry Rachel would be like stepping into a fire. And right now she's yelling at me and I keep smirking at her which is only upsetting her more. I really need to get her out of my head. While pushing her up against the locker and shutting her up with my lips right sounds like a great idea, it would only cause us both trouble.

And I have to stop thinking about her like that. She's my friend. And that's all she is going to get to be. So instead I tease her about losing and quickly turn my back to her and walk away. I try not to think about pulling her into the janitor's closet as I walk by it. Seriously Hudson, you're going to be a dad. You got to stop thinking about other girls like this. It's never going to happen!

**Stacy – Gleefully Finchel**


	6. Scene 6 Not contemptable

Scene 6

Ok so I never expected Rachel to cheat. I know what I said earlier. It wasn't really cheating. But to Rachel it was definitely cheating and she still did it. I don't know if I'm angry at her for going against her word after she yelled at me for doing the same thing or turned on that she actually did something bad for a change. Either way I had to ditch Quinn after lunch and confront Rachel about it.

When I found her in the hallway, she didn't even want to look me in the eyes. And when I called her A-Rach she definitely flinched. She seems ashamed of herself and it actually made me realize that we were both wrong. She takes Glee seriously and I do too. I honestly don't even remember singing my song. I know I did Bon Jovi because I was kicking it old school in my leather jacket. But I don't actually remember singing the song. It's crazy!

And Rachel looked positively insane when she was singing. It was adorable how fast she was talking and I couldn't take my eyes off of her in her yellow dress. But it wasn't her. She was crazed. And I can tell now that she feels bad about it. She feels like she let everyone down. Like she will disappoint Mr. Schue and I guess I get that now. Because I feel like we both let everyone down.

I guess you can sort of say that I get Rachel now. Probably more than anyone else does or ever has. Rachel and I have this relationship where we are actually able to be honest with each other. It's kinda nice to have someone who doesn't just lie to my face and just tell me what I want to hear. She's honest and sometimes her honesty hurts, but I don't let her get away with anything either. And we were both wrong here. Singing should be pure. And we definitely tainted that.

If I'm being honest with myself, I've never cared about something as strongly as Glee. Sure I've got a great love for football and I enjoy basketball, but Rachel really opened my eyes to everything I could be. And for the first time, I like feeling like maybe I'm not a loser. Rachel is the only person I feel like I can be myself around. With Quinn I have to act the part. I have to be someone that I'm not. With Rachel there is no hiding me. She sees right through it anyway so there really is no point in trying to hide myself from her. And I'm glad she doesn't find me contemptible or deplorable because those don't exactly sound like good things.

But she's smiling at me again and that feels good. Having Rachel mad at me made me feel like I was all alone again. Sure I have Quinn, but she's never exactly been a friend to me. As long as I dress ok and stand next to her and smile at her in front of people, she really doesn't care beyond that. In fact, I don't think she has ever actually asked me how my day was or how I was feeling. It's kind of nice to have this with Rachel. I know my friendship with her pisses Quinn off, but as long as I'm in Glee she really has to just deal with it, doesn't she!

**Stacy – Gleefully Finchel**


	7. Scene 7 She really is awesome

Scene 7

I'm not really sure what Rachel did to get that creep Ben Israel to shut his mouth about Quinn being pregnant, but whatever it was that she did seems to have worked. Quinn is still angry with me for continuing to talk to Rachel and I honestly don't get it. Look at what she just did for us. Getting Jacob to kill the story was what we wanted right? And Rachel did that for us. She doesn't even like Quinn and she helped her. I don't even think Quinn would have done that for Rachel if the roles were switched. But Rachel is special. And she is a true friend. I'm just going to have to remind Quinn of that.

Sure we've kissed a couple of times. But Quinn doesn't even know about that so there isn't any reason Quinn shouldn't trust me. Besides it's not like there is actually anything going on between Rachel and me? Sure I like her. Sometimes I like her more than I should. And there are times when I catch myself just staring at her without even realizing that I'm doing it. But I know that I don't have a choice except to be with Quinn. Even if I decided I wanted to be with Rachel that just isn't possible now that Quinn is pregnant. So I just have to accept the fact that Rachel can only be a friend.

But Just the fact that she is willing to accept my friendship after everything that has happened is pretty amazing to me. She really is awesome. I swear if I ever get the chance I am going to show her how awesome I think she is. I don't know what I would do without her as a friend. She's really the only person who listens to me. I can't talk to Quinn about how I feel because that would just piss her off. Puck is impossible to talk to because all he wants to do is talk about how sneaky hot Rachel is and that just make me really angry for some reason.

It's not like I can talk to my mom about it. She doesn't even know Quinn is pregnant. So that pretty much leaves Rachel. She's been really cool about listening to me talk about how emotional Quinn is anymore, or about how my grades are suffering due to all this stress. She even started tutoring me in math. Yeah she really is great. And when I tell her how cool she is, she gets the biggest smile on her face. It's almost like no one has ever told her how awesome she is before. But that can't even be possible because she is the most amazing girl I've ever met. I can't be the only person to ever see that.

Either way, I enjoy confiding in Rachel. She actually seems to understand how I feel. Yesterday I asked her if she knew what it felt like to be stuck in a situation that she couldn't get out of and then spending all your time wishing you had something else in life. She told me she completely understood how I felt because she was dealing with something like that too. It's kind of sad that she has to deal with this kind of crap too because it really sucks. But it feels nice knowing Rachel gets it. I just wonder what it is that she wishes she had.

**Stacy ~ Gleefully-Finchel**


	8. Scene 8 Lima Loser

Scene 8

Quinn is a mess right now. She's been crying nonstop for about 5 minutes now. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I knew we couldn't keep this quiet forever. Sooner or later she was definitely going to start showing. Pregnant girls aren't exactly skinny for 9 months. I guess it's better it's finally out and we can stop hiding things from everyone. It was too much to ask the entire Glee club to keep our secret and protect us. This is our problem, not theirs.

I see Rachel standing at the other end of the hallway. She looks devastated. I heard from Puck that she actually had to give Jacob a pair of her underwear to keep him quiet. It must be pretty humiliating to her that she had to do that AND he still wrote the story. But I don't want her to blame herself for this. It's not her fault. This is on me. I should have been honest in the first place. Lying never gets anyone anywhere. I have to somehow convince Quinn to come clean to our parents. They will know what to do. We can't do this on our own.

But she keeps telling me that it's going to be ok if we just keep this quiet. I need my mom. I don't know why she doesn't understand that. The first thing Rachel told me to do was to follow my heart. She told me that I needed to talk to someone I trusted. And as much as I don't want to let my mom down, I trust her to tell me what to do. I really need my mom but Quinn is refusing me to talk to her. It's making me sick inside.

I can't handle all of this alone. I'm tired, I'm angry a lot, and I feel trapped. Some nights I lay awake in bed wishing I could just become invisible for a while. Just disappear so that no one can see me or expect things of me. I'm still just a kid. I'm not supposed to be raising babies or even have a pregnant girlfriend to begin with. I really have NO idea how I got in this place to start with. It's not like I even had sex. I'm so confused by all of this. I really did think you had to actually have sex to get a girl pregnant. I can't be the only guy in the world to get his girlfriend pregnant just because I didn't hit a mailman fast enough in my brain! I really need to look that up on my computer. I must really be an idiot!

But idiot aside, I really am trapped in this. I mean I care about Quinn, she's like the first girl I ever considered a girlfriend. And when she isn't being a bitch she is kind of fun to be around. I guess I started dating her because she was a cheerleader and that's pretty hot. I like the skirts and the way they lift up when she spins around and you can see those little red panties. It was cool to have a cheerleader as a girlfriend and it made me cool. But ever since I've gotten to know Rachel, I have realized that you don't really have to be cool to actually BE cool. Rachel is definitely not what this school would consider cool, but she doesn't care what they think.

But none of that matters anyway, because Quinn's pregnant and the whole school knows now. And everyone is staring at us as they walk by in the hallway, I hear them whispering about how the quarterback knocked up the cheerleader and how we are going to have to drop out of school and move out to the trailer park in Lima Heights to raise our bastard baby. And that's when it hits me. Every dream I ever had for my life is over. Gone. And standing here with Quinn crying in my arms while I'm staring across the hall at Rachel is the first time I feel the tears building in my eyes. I'm officially a Lima loser.

**Stacy ~ Gleefully-Finchel**


	9. Scene 9 Slushy attack

Scene 9

Ok, Quinn said to just get this over with and I would be cool with the rest of the football team. It's different for her. She's still a cheerio and Sue isn't making them choose between Glee and Cheerios. This isn't my fault. I don't have a choice. I have to slushy one of the Glee kids in order for the football team not to kick my ass. I can't slushy one of the girls. It doesn't feel right and I definitely can't slushy Rachel. That leaves the guys. Puck would kick my ass if I went after him. And even though Mike and Matt chose Glee, they were still part of the team. Artie is in a wheelchair and I think I would kick my own ass for throwing a slushy at a guy in a wheelchair.

That leaves Kurt. I mean I really don't actually have any other choice. It has to be Kurt. I search the hall for him after lunch and I see him at the end of the hall by his locker. Of course he has to be talking to Rachel. This is going to make this so much harder. All the Glee kids have been wearing rain coats because they have been attacked by the football team all week. I start to turn around and back out of my mission when I see Karofsky at the other end of the hall. Shit.

I turn back towards Kurt and Rachel and she catches my eye before I get to them. She looks sad and disappointed. I try to apologize to them. I want them to understand that I really have no choice. I have to do this if I'm going to be accepted back on the team. I don't have a choice. I don't know if I'm trying to convince them or myself. Rachel is mad at me. I'm letting her down. I feel like such an asshole. I never thought I would turn out like this. I'm not proud of myself right now. I feel like a complete jackass.

Even Puck turned the football team down. Puck! Just a couple of months ago he was the one throwing slushy's on Rachel. Now he's dating her? What the hell is that even about? When did Puck get to be the good guy and I turn in to the asshole? I have to do this. But I can't. I just can't throw a slushy at my friends. I try and apologize to them. I need to make them understand that I feel like I'm being forced into this. But Kurt takes the cup from me and throws it on himself.

He's protecting me? Even after I came here with the intent to humiliate them. He did that for me. Rachel looks sad. I can't stand here and have her looking at me like that anymore. I let her down. I let myself down. I wasn't strong enough to stand up to the team. I turn quickly and walk away just as Karofsky comes around the corner and pats me on the back for a job well done. But I don't feel happy about it. I don't care about the damn football team. I just feel like a jerk.


	10. Scene 10 Little Black Dress

Scene 10

I really don't want to hang out with Quinn tonight. I'm tired and she's been really cranky. Ever since she moved in I have to see her all the time. Getting up for school, going to school, being at school, after school, dinner, after dinner, ugh. It never ends. I just want a break from Quinn. I don't want to hear about how tired she is, or how much weight she is gaining. Nothing I say is ever right and everything I do is wrong. I'm pretty sure this living together thing is really bad for our relationship.

I don't think that I can handle living with…..oh my God, is that Rachel? Holy shit she looks amazing….and HOT! When did she start dressing like that? Crap, pay attention to what she is saying Hudson. And look at her face not her boobs! Wait am I really making a date with her? I swear I have no idea what comes over me with Rachel that causes me to keep crossing a line with her. But for some reason I just can't concentrate on anything but her right now. I just want to spend some more time with her. I've felt so closed off from everyone since Quinn moved in. I just need to get away from her for one night. It's just hanging out with Rachel at her house. In her room. Alone.

I'm smiling. Probably too much. I need to work on that right now. Act calm Hudson. It's nothing. Just hanging out. I'm really way too excited for this. I can't help but watch her as she walks away and think about everything that could happen tonight at Rachel's. I can't help but wonder what her room looks like. It's probably bright and happy and cheerful like Rachel. And it's just going to be her and I alone in her room. I can't wait to go home and change. Home. Quinn. Crap!

How the hell do I tell Quinn I'm going to go hang out at Rachel's house? There is no way she would let me do that. She hates Rachel when we just talk to each other at school. If she knows I'm going to be alone with her in her bedroom she's going to freak out. I have to tell her something, but what? Maybe if I just keep it vague and tell her I just have something to do. Yeah that's what I'll do. I see her standing in the hallway and I guess now is as good as any time to tell her.

Surprisingly she takes it well. I'm pretty surprised that she doesn't even question what I'm doing. And even more surprised when she tells me she is babysitting. She hasn't left the house since she moved in. And she has never babysat any kids before. I guess maybe she is finally coming around and out of her depression. Well good for her. Hopefully her getting out of the house stops her from being so bitchy at home. And I get to hang out with Rachel. Maybe both of us will get to have something we have been needing tonight.


	11. Scene 11 You're a leader

Scene 11

I know she's going to come to me at some point. I heard she has talked to half of the club already. I'm actually really surprised she didn't come to me first. Maybe she is still mad at me about the sad clown hooker comment. I wasn't trying to insult her but I still have no idea why she was dressed that way. Not that those pants didn't totally make her butt look amazing, but it just wasn't Rachel. I wasn't kidding when I said I liked the way she dressed. Those sweaters make her boobs look great and I don't know what it is about her leg warmers. But the other night with the makeup, it just wasn't her.

I won't lie though. I was really tempted to kiss her again. I know I shouldn't think that way but she just does things to me. I had to tell Quinn the truth. I had to tell her that I went to Rachel's and that things could have happened. She seemed upset at first but I was shocked when she quickly said it was ok. She's been oddly nice ever since that day. It's almost like she's trying to be nice. She hasn't yelled at me in a week. And I'm happy about that, but I still can't stop thinking about Rachel.

Which is why I was kind of hurt when I found out she asked everyone else to be co-captain before even coming to me. Not that I want to be co-captain. Not really. I don't want people drawing on my face in the yearbook. It's humiliating. And I just got the football team to stop harassing me about going back to Glee. I definitely don't need them to find another reason to start bugging me again. Rachel would understand that, right?

The next thing I know she is tugging on my jacket and I know it's my turn now. She's finally asked everyone else in the club to be her co-captain and they have all turned her down. But I can't help her with this. She's on her own. I can't end up like Patches. I've got enough going against me already with a pregnant girlfriend. She's asking me to commit social suicide. Why do I have to do it when everyone else got to say no? It's not fair. She can't just expect me to do this for her.

But she does. She wants me to step up. To be a leader. She expects so much out of me and I have no idea why she has so much faith that I will always do the right thing. I definitely don't do that. In fact, I screw up quite often. Case in point, pregnant girlfriend, kissing Rachel…twice, choosing football over glee, I could go on forever. I make a lot of mistakes. And yet here she is standing in front of me telling me that I'm a leader.

And she's Rachel Berry. And Rachel Berry makes me feel like I'm bigger than life. I almost want to be her hero. She can convince me to do anything. I don't know how she does it. But when I look down into her beautiful brown eyes, I just want to make her smile. And then she does and it's the most amazing thing in the world and you just know that you did the right thing by her. Nothing is bigger or more important than that. So I tell her I'll do it. I'll be her co-captain. And she rewards me with the brightest smile I have ever seen. Yep, right now I would do anything she asked me to.

Stacy ~Gleefully-Finchel

I want to thank the people who are leaving the nice reviews on this story. I'm very glad you are enjoying it. Thank you for reviewing.


	12. Scene 12 Lies

Scene 12

I'm pretty impressed with Rachel today. I know it had to be really hard for her to give up the solo at Sectionals. She's worked harder than everyone else for this. But she was a complete team player in there giving the solo to Mercedes. She always finds a new way to amaze me. I don't think she realizes how much I appreciate her. I'm really grateful that I have Rachel. She's always honest with me and she always listens without judging me. I really feel like I am finally getting to a good place. Sure Quinn is still pregnant, but everyone knows now, all the secrets are out, and we are trying to get through it with the help of our friends and my mom.

I feel pretty lucky to have such great friends. I think maybe now with Sectionals coming up this is going to be a real turning point in my life. Like maybe something is finally going good for a change. But Rachel seems distracted. I can't really put my finger on when she started acting quiet but it's really not like Rachel to be quiet. We are a day away from Sectionals and she hasn't talked once about the songs or the routine. Last week she asked me if I had the dance steps memorized every single time she saw me.

Something is definitely wrong. I know she has this honesty policy so I guess I'm just going to have to ask her to be honest with me. I hate seeing her bummed and if there is anything I can do to help her I want to do that for her. But when I ask her what's wrong, I definitely see her flinch. And now I'm confused because she is talking about wanting me to be happy. What do I have to do with this? And then she says it and I swear I hear her wrong so I ask her to repeat it.

No, she's wrong. I know she has always hated Quinn. I don't understand though why Rachel would lie about this. I know she's interested in me, but she wouldn't lie about this. But no, it's not possible. Quinn would never make me think that baby was mine. I know she can be a bitch, but she isn't heartless. She couldn't have cheated on me. I demand that Rachel tell me how she knows. How it's even possible she could find this information out when she isn't even friends with Quinn.

And that's when she tells me about him! My best friend. How the hell could he do this to me? How can they both just lie to me about something like this? I got a job to pay her bills. I moved her into my fucking house. They played me. They both used me. How is this even happening? I feel myself sliding down my locker and I hit the ground hard. This can't be happening. It's a dream. Mom is going to wake me up any minute now. Any minute.

I feel Rachel sit down beside me and she reaches out and touches my shoulder. I turn on her quickly and tell her she has to be lying. It's not funny. I see the tears streaming down her face and I know she's telling me the truth. Rachel isn't cruel. She would never lie to me about this. I realize I'm crying and I look over at Rachel and she looks scared. I've never cried in front of a girl before. I don't want to be crying now. But I can't help it. I'm so confused, hurt, and angry.

Yeah I'm definitely angry right now. Who the fuck do they think they are? Was this some sort of sick joke to them? Oh yeah let's see if we can get dumbass Finn to believe he got a girl pregnant in a hot tub. Let's make everyone think he fucked up some poor girls' life by being a douche and impregnating her. Let's see if we can get him to pay all our bills and laugh at him behind his back as we bake fucking cupcakes together. And why not make fucking fun of him for coming up with baby names or actually having a heart and caring about this stupid baby that's not even fucking mine!

I must have stopped crying because Rachel looks terrified beside me. She asks me what she can do and I honestly don't have an answer for her. I look into her eyes and simply ask Why? She pulls back from me stunned. And I realize that the only person who can answer that question for me isn't the brunette sitting beside me. I need to find that damn blonde bitch and get answers from her right now. I know they are all in the classroom still because I haven't seen anyone come out. I'm getting my answers from her in front of everyone and I'm gonna beat them out of him. I don't care who gets in my way! This ends today.

**Stacy ~ Gleefully-Finchel**


	13. Scene 13 Cat Calendars

Scene 13

Things have been crazy since Sectionals. I'm glad we won and Glee has been really good, but dealing with the girls has been a bit much for my head lately. Sure I've been hanging out with Rachel a lot. I enjoy that, don't get me wrong. I think I might be dating her. I mean we do a lot of stuff together. Last week I helped organize her closet, who knew a girl could have so many different sweaters. We don't really kiss or even touch that much. I don't think Rachel Berry has had a lot of boyfriends. But I enjoy being with her and that's cool.

But my head is still in a really bad place. I think Rachel wants more from me. I can tell she wants me to kiss her or hold her hand but I'm just not sure I'm ready. This whole bullshit with Quinn still stings. I see her in the hall with Puck and it makes me want to break things. I think I'm just so humiliated by the whole thing. Everyone in school knows what a dolt I am for believing that stupid hot tub thing. It's hard just to walk down the hall without seeing at least five people turn and whisper. It pisses me off. But it angers me even more to see them together.

I guess I figured they would get together since he is the father of that baby. But is it too much to expect them to at least try and hide it for a bit? The guys on the team are always talking about how Puckerman is a real man and did what I couldn't, it's freaking embarrassing. And Rachel isn't helping much. I'm already the laughing stock of this school and she's freaking standing in front of me holding out cat calendars with my freaking face on it for all the school to see. CAT FREAKING CALENDARS. What am I supposed to say to that? 'Gee Rach, that's not creepy at all, let's show the whole school, hey, maybe we can sell those on eBay'?

She knows something is up with me, and she's right, I have been missing dates. Truth is I'm just still shell shocked from all the drama. I need time to figure out what the hell I did to cause all that crap with Quinn in the first place. And now all of a sudden I have another girlfriend who I'm supposed to just expect not to do the same damn thing Quinn did. The other day I woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat from a dream. And not a good dream either, it definitely wasn't the one where Rachel is in the middle of the choir room, naked on the piano either.

No, this one was a nightmare for sure. In this hell, Puck became quarterback and took both Quinn and Rachel at once behind the bleachers. And when I asked them why, Quinn just looked at me and said 'Because you're a dumb boy Finn and we need a man.' And I woke up screaming to the sound of Rachel laughing at me. I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just don't think I'm ready to be anyone's boyfriend. But how do I explain that to Rachel without breaking her heart?

**Stacy – Gleefully-Finchel**

**Hope you guys are enjoying **


	14. Scene 14 Breakup

Scene 14

I don't think I know who I am anymore. I like being the big man on campus. Ever since Quinn and I broke up, girls are actually paying attention to me. I've never actually been asked to go out with two girls before. And Santana and Brittany are super hot. I guess I should feel bad for saying yes since I am technically dating Rachel. But I just feel like I haven't had time to be with myself and figure all my own crap out since everything happened with Quinn. I feel sometimes like my brain is on overdrive. Sometimes I have so many thoughts going through my head that I can't keep up with myself.

Why can't I date two chicks? Puck would do that. He would totally go out with both of them. He'd probably get them both pregnant too. ASSHOLE! But maybe they'd let me make out with them. Or let me watch them make out. Ok, I'm getting ahead of myself here. I'm just really confused. Not too long ago I thought I was going to be a dad at 16. Now I'm free. Now isn't the time to be tied down. I just got out of that. Don't get me wrong, I like Rachel. I really like her a lot. But I just feel like I need to figure myself out first. I just broke up with Quinn and all of a sudden I'm Mrs. Berry. I don't think I can handle this right now. When I hear her calling my name, I try and pretend I didn't hear her. Because when I actually see her I feel something. Guilt. I don't actually want to hurt her. But what guy would turn down a date with two hot girls! She has to understand that I'm not ready to be anyone's boyfriend.

But obviously she doesn't understand that because I can see it in her eyes when I tell her. And then she climbs right into my head and her words are killing me. She is difficult, and it's not like the school really likes her and I try and tell myself that I don't care if people care about us dating, but I hate hearing people whispering about us as we walk by. I've never been at the bottom. I don't know what it's like to have people constantly berating me and making fun of me.

Maybe I am a coward. It's really insane the way she knows me. No one has ever been able to read me as well as she can. It's like she can see right into my heart. It's actually kind of scaring me. I care about Rachel. And seeing the tears start to form in her eyes is breaking my heart. I feel like an ass. I never meant to hurt her, I just think that things got carried away with us. One minute I was crying on the floor of my bedroom as we talked about Quinn and the baby and the next thing I knew I was kissing her. I needed her. I needed to feel something other than pain and anger. Rachel calms me. She makes me feel worth something, and I needed that.

But if I'm being honest with myself, the way she makes me feel, scares the crap out of me. I thought my life was over and I was going to be a dad. And now I have girls wanting to date me and it's cool, because I get my life back. Yet with Rachel, I just want to hold her, and talk to her for hours on end. And I can't have that right now. I can't put myself out there like that for anyone yet. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to trust another girl with my heart. Being with Rachel is dangerous. No, I WON'T let myself get hurt again. I won't let myself care for her. Because caring about someone only means that it will destroy you when they disappoint you. And everyone disappoints you in the end.

So I'm doing her a favor by breaking up with her. It's for her own good. This way I can't hurt her and she can't hurt me. Yeah, this way I can date whoever I want, never give away my heart, and just enjoy the ride. This is what I want. This is what I need. I figure if I keep telling myself that enough times the sinking feeling in my stomach I get as I watch her walk away with tears in her eyes will finally go away. This is for the best. I think.

**Stacy – Gleefully-Finchel**

Sorry it took a while to update. I knew this chapter was going to be hard for me to write and with Finchel still separated, it tore me to write it. I'm really ready for F/Q to unravel already!


	15. Scene 15 I don't give up easy

Scene 15

So I'm pretty much an idiot! I don't know what the hell I am doing anymore. Obviously Rachel didn't take my breaking up with her very well because she sang that "hell" song and it sure didn't sound like a let's-stay-friends-and remain-cool-with-each-other song. And then I go out with Santana and Brittany and it was the worst date I have ever been on. And Quinn and I went on a lot of dates that went badly. But this was just wrong. They spent the whole evening talking trash about everyone and when they started making fun of Rachel I got tired of it.

Sure I spent the rest of the night in my car while they ate and paid for dinner with my money, but at least I got the hell out of there. I should have just called Rachel that night and told her I was wrong. I never should have broken up with her. Everything is so confusing with Quinn and Puck and my life in general right now. But at least when I was with Rachel I felt like I could handle it. Maybe that's what I should focus on instead of all the stuff that is going wrong in my life.

But then she went and met that jackass at the music store and everything went wrong. This is Rachel; she's supposed to be chasing me all the time. She's supposed to just wait until I figure out what is going on in my head. When did she get to go and find some other dude? That's not the way this is supposed to work. And not only that, but she runs into the freaking leaded singer for Vocal Adrenaline. Just what I need, Rachel loves singing, and if she finds a guy who sings as good as her then I've got no shot with her.

I felt bad for ratting her out to Mr. Schue, but this could go really bad for us if he's just using her. We don't need some jerk from the other team stealing away our star. So I'm really happy when she tells me that they broke up. It's like everything is going back to the way it should. I tell her that I'm serious this time. That I want to be a real couple with her and this time I'm actually asking her to be my girlfriend. I even picked out some dates on that crazy cat calendar she made that I know she would like. Mom told me they were doing some community play of Funny Girl and I figured she would love it.

But then she tells me she can't be with me anymore. And I can't believe how badly I screwed this whole thing up. How did she go to being the only person who knows me and cares about me to being the person who wants to take one for the team? Who is she kidding? She's Rachel Berry and I'm Finn Hudson and we are supposed to just end up together right? She put on a freaking cat suit to get my attention and now she's just going to walk away. None of this is making any sense.

So I figure the only thing to do now is to be honest with her. She told me that it was all she ever asked of me, so I tell her that I'm not giving up on her. That no matter what she says I'm not just walking away from this, from her. Because we make sense together. We should work on this. Because I need her. I need her to be here for me. And she needs me right? I'm not just some jackass she met at the music store; I'm the guy that feels something every time she sings. I won't let her walk away from me. No, this isn't over. Rachel Berry can be stubborn, but I don't give up that easily.

**Stacy – Gleefully-Finchel**


	16. Scene 16 Sing off

Scene 16

I can't believe I let her slip through my hands. Why is it that when I finally figure out what I want she moves on? It's like the world is out to get me or something. Why the hell did I listen to Mr. Schue and that rock star crap anyway? Sometimes I'm just as dumb as every thinks I am. But Jesse? Really, this guy is an idiot. I don't trust him. Why would he just leave Vocal Adrenaline to come here? I mean Rachel is all kinds of awesome but Jesse doesn't seem like the kind of guy who gives up winning for a girl. Something is wrong with this dude but Rachel seems to think he's cool. Well, I'm not taking my eye off him. Not when Rachel is involved. She may not be my girlfriend anymore, but I'm not letting this loser hurt her.

But I can't have her mad at me either. Even if I'm not with Rachel, I just have this feeling, like I need to be around her. I need her to be my friend even if she won't be with me. I have to make this right with her. Telling her that there wouldn't be a friendship between us if it turns out I'm right about Jesse was a lie. I would never turn my back on Rachel. I have to fix this. I see her standing by her locker and my heart sinks. Just a few weeks ago I would have been able to walk over and put my arms around her. Yet again I managed to screw this thing up.

So I decide to be honest with her. I really could have had her. And she looks almost sad yet hopeful. Maybe there is still a chance between us. I really do like her. Maybe more, who am I kidding, I know it's more. It was just all too much too fast. I just got over the fact that Quinn and Puck are together and having a baby. It's all so confusing for me right now. But Rachel, Rachel is the only thing that is crystal clear in my head. She's always been my constant. Even through all the bullshit with Quinn. Rachel was always there. And I refuse to just walk away from her now.

But then Jesse is here and my moment with Rachel feels invaded on. Nothing can change what we have, not even this Jesse kid. He can try all he wants, but Rachel sure isn't looking at him the way she was just looking at me. No! I didn't imagine it all, Rachel cares about me. I just have to wait. No more screwing up Hudson. No more sleeping with Random girls to feel better. No that made everything worse. I still need extra showers to get over it. This time, I'm just going to be there for her. I need to be the better man for her.

But seriously, sing off in the parking lot. What does Rachel see in this guy? This is going to be easier than I thought. Cuz that was really weird. No, I can do this. I'll just be the man that Rachel needs. I will work with this loser, and I'll reach her through music. Sure this Jesse guy can sing, I'll give him that, but there is no way he shares the same connection that Rachel and I do when we sing. Talented or not, he'll never have her heart!

**Sorry it took me so long to update. I'm feeling more inspired with the coming of Finchel **

**Stacy – Gleefully-Finchel**


	17. Scene 17 Tinkerbell

Laryngitis:

I don't think I have ever heard Rachel Berry sound so awful. Usually her singing is like an angels voice singing in your ear, but wow….well I don't know what that was. When the doctor told her she might need surgery, I saw all her fears immediately in her eyes. Rachel feels like the only thing she is good at is singing. She's wrong of course, but she won't listen to me. I need her to understand that she's more than just her voice. I need her to see that she has so much more to offer. But how do I do that? I'm not like super smart or anything and I suck at trying to actually tell her how I feel.

If only I had like an intraprator, or whatever they call those people who talk for you. Crap. What is that called? Interpreter, yeah that's it. I need someone to tell her what I want to say without my mouth getting in the way. I can't use Puck, he'd just try and make out with her and then say it was my own fault because he was just trying to show her how I feel. Fuck that! I can't have Kurt do it, he's more dramatic than she is and I don't need to make the situation. I guess I could ask Mercedes or Tina, but they don't seem to actually like Rachel. I don't understand that cuz Rachel is all kinds of awesome. Quinn's out because yeah, pretty sure she would rather shove her face in a toilet than do something nice for her.

I need someone who doesn't know Rachel. That way they don't judge her before they get to know her. Wait, maybe I already know the perfect person. My friend Sean would definitely be able to relate to what Rachel is going through. Sure he's paralyzed and I guess that's like way worse than what Rachel is going through, but he would definitely understand. I see her walking through the hall and I am pretty sure she's like wearing pajamas. While that is all kinds of sexy, she hasn't exactly brushed her hair. And what the hell is she even holding? Is that a freaking rabbit bowl? Wow this is worse than I thought.

I'm trying to be understanding here, but she seems pretty pissed off. And she is definitely being overly dramatic with this Tinkerbell stuff. I get that she feels like she IS her voice, but I'm done with her being down on everything. She's going with me to Sean's and that's that! Someone needs to get her to understand everything that she has going for her. And I don't care what it takes, I'm going to make sure she sees it because I'm pretty sure that Rachel Berry is like the most awesome person on the planet. I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like her. I mean I know I'm not exactly supposed to like her or anything and I'm pretty sure that Quinn would just tell me that liking Rachel makes no sense at all to a sane person.

But honestly if liking Rachel is wrong, I guess it's just one more thing I won't get right. I know she's still with Jesse and everything but there's no way that's going to work out. The guys a jackass. I'm pretty sure that everyone is calling him St. Jackass at this point. Rachel's too good for him anyway. I mean she's too good for me too, but I'm better than that loser for sure. Yeah, I'm gonna show Rachel how amazing she is and I'm going to start with taking her to see Sean.


	18. Scene 18 I think I love her

Scene 18

I can't believe she's just giving up. Over this Jesse dude. Rachel is so much better than this. I can't let her just quit on the team, on herself, on me. I see her walking down the hall and I realize that if I don't say something, no one else will. I'm the only one that cares enough about Rachel to make her see that we need her. It's my job as her co-captain and best friend to snap her out of this.

I see her walking down the stairs and I chase after her calling her name. She looks up at me and she looks utterly defeated. I refuse to let her feel this way anymore. So I tell her how I feel. How it's her that holds us all together. Not Mr. Schue. Heck, I don't even know what he's doing half the time excepting writing words on a whiteboard. Rachel is our leader. And if Rachel loses it, so does the rest of the team. Sure she's annoying sometimes, and half the time the team can't stand her, but when it comes down to singing, Rachel is our leader. I just stand next to her most of the time, but she is the reason we are who we are.

She's standing there just listening to me and I don't know if what I'm saying is even making sense to her or if it's already too late and she doesn't care anymore. But then she shocks me. She leans over and she kisses me. And I'm standing here like an idiot because I honestly don't know if it's real. One minute I'm yelling at her and the next her lips are on mine like some sort of dream. But it's a dream I don't want to end. I thought I had lost my chance with Rachel. That I would never get her back, but here she is kissing ME. And I don't want her to stop. I don't even know what it means, but right now I'm just happy she's kissing me.

And then she pulls back and I look at her unsure of what just happened and she smiles. She smiles again for the first time in days. She smiles that smile that is completely Rachel Berry. The smile that melts my heart every time I see her. The smile that made me see that she was the one I wanted to be with. And she's smiling at me. Maybe just maybe I didn't blow my chance with her. Maybe I can actually have a second, or is this my third chance with her. Whatever it is, I'm not blowing it this time.

She tells me she agrees with me and asks me what we need to do. I tell her that we have to pull the team back in. We need to be leaders. It's time for us to step up and take charge and get everyone to see that we have to believe in ourselves and in each other if we are going to win this. So she agrees to talk to the team. Together. And we walk off to the choir room and for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful. I feel like maybe we have a chance to win this thing. And if we don't at least I have a chance at winning her. And really in the end, that's all that matters because slowly I'm realizing that winning her is becoming more important than anything else that I do.

Throughout all the things that have happened this year, Rachel is the one bright spot in my life. I don't just care about her. I don't just want to see her succeed. I want all of that for her and yet I want so much more. I don't just like her, or appreciate her, I think I actually love her. I know I loved Quinn in some way before, but this is different, my feelings for Rachel are so much stronger. I don't even know how to explain them to myself. But I have to tell her how I feel. I just have to find the right time to tell her. To let her know that I really do love her. I don't know when that is, but I'll know when the time is right.


	19. Scene 19 Journey

**Scene 19**

This is it. The moment we have worked all year for. The moment where everything that has happened this year will suddenly be worth it because of this. It all comes down to these three songs. And right now at this moment it all comes down to me and Rachel. It's funny how so much has really come down to her and I all year. I look over and see her standing in front of the backstage door. She seems lost in thought. I can't believe she's even nervous. She has no reason to be. She's the most talented person I know. She could sing this song with her eyes closed and her arms behind her back. Or maybe just something that would make it harder, but my point is that she doesn't even need to worry. I'm worried, but I'm not Rachel. I don't have the talent she has. Yet somehow she makes me believe that I can, that I am. That I am somehow worthy of even singing a song with her.

Suddenly she looks over at me and smiles and I breathe in a shaky breath. Before I realize it, it's like my feet have a life of their own because I am walking towards her and I have no idea what I'm doing. As she gets closer my heart starts pounding and I feel like all the blood in my body has rushed to my ears. Everything is pounding and my mouth is dry. And then everything stops. And I realize that I was wrong before. The competition, the songs, that's not the moment I'm here for. This is my moment. This is the moment I was waiting for. She starts to say something about breaking a leg and I don't even know what she's talking about but before I even process it, the words have already slipped from my mouth. "I love you." I don't even have time to tell her anything else. I just smile and walk back to take my place as our name is being called.

"I love you." Three words. Three simple words. But they were the most important words I have spoken all year. Nothing was more important than that moment, than those three words. I look back over at her and she is smiling at me and it's in that moment that I know everything is going to be alright. It doesn't matter whether we go out there and win or lose, it doesn't matter if I walk out the door and trip and fall on my face, even though I would prefer not to do that. But it really doesn't matter. Because all that mattered was telling her how I feel. Actually being honest with her for the first time all year.

Let's face it, Rachel and I are different people. We don't share all the same interests. We don't run with the same crowds. Heck nothing about us should make any sense at all. Except that to me, she is the only thing in my life that does make sense. She is my reason for standing here in front of a closed door behind a crowded auditorium filled with people waiting to hear me sing. She is the reason that I can open that door and step through it and sing with my heart and soul. None of this would have happened if it wasn't for her. None of this would even matter if it wasn't for her.

So I step through the door and into that crowded auditorium and I sing. I sing to erase everything that has happened this year, Quinn, Puck, the baby. I sing and slowly all the wrong is wiped clean from my mind. Santana, Jesse, losing Rachel. And I realize in that moment why I sing. I sing for me. I sing for her. I will always sing for us. I'm forever hers, faithfully.


	20. Scene 20 Paparrazi

Scene 20

Summer was pretty awesome. Finally being able to be with Rachel and spend time with her like a real boyfriend and girlfriend should was totally worth it. Sometimes she's a bit difficult to deal with and she has a tendency to act more like my mom than my girlfriend but I really love being with her. I know she's nervous about starting back to school and having everyone look at us differently. I also know she's secretly afraid that I'll walk away from her to save my reputation.

I guess in a way I worry about what people will think of me, but honestly if they can't accept Rachel for who she is, I guess it's not really worth my time to be friends with these people. Besides being with Rachel is worth anything some jerk at school says to me. But of course the first guy we run in to is that Jacob idiot. Seriously, the dude freaks me out. And the way he looks at Rachel is way uncool. But then he starts making fun of her and calling her difficult and shoving that microphone in our faces and I seriously want to give the guy a beat down.

I know Rachel wouldn't like that so I try and answer his questions as honestly as I can. And yeah Rachel is a controllist or whatever it is she wants to call it. But it's just the way she is and it's part of the reason I love her. If she wasn't like that, she wouldn't be Rachel. And if she wants to fix my shirt in the middle of the hallway or pick out my clothes before school, I'm totally gonna let her. Besides, she told me that she was thinking of letting me touch her boob soon which is totally exciting.

Though I'm starting to wonder if she actually slept with that Jesse kid. Because she sure doesn't act like she's slept with anyone. Sure I've only had sex one time, but I think I can tell she hasn't when just moving my hand up to her thigh causes her to jump off the bed and start talking about homework. I wanted to ask her about it, but then I figured that might lead in to the talk about me NOT having sex and I don't want to actually lie to her about that. So I figure not talking about it isn't lying right? Eventually I'm going to have to tell her the truth, but we just got used to be around each other and I don't want to mess that up right now.

But I have to admit hearing Rachel gush about how we have been together all summer makes me proud. I love that she wants to tell everyone that I'm her boyfriend. When I was with Quinn she never talked about dating me the way Rachel does. Quinn was more excited for people to know that she was my girlfriend and I was lucky to be able to call her that. But I never felt like she was happy or proud to be mine.

But Rachel's different. She seems to think I'm a rock star which is funny because last year I walked away from her to try and find my inner rock star when all I needed to do was look at her to realize I was already her rock star. And that's good enough for me. So I let her take over. I let her talk about what we did over the summer or how talented we are because it makes her happy and that makes me happy. I never thought someone else being happy could make me feel that way. But with Rachel all it takes is a smile on her face to put me in a good mood. I guess this is what it means to really love someone.


	21. Scene 21 Never Break up

**Scene 21**

A crackhouse? Really Rachel? I love Rachel like a whole lot, but sometimes she makes it really difficult to defend when she does stuff like this. Everyone was really mad when I stood up for her but I don't think any of them should talk. They have all done stupid stuff before. They always give Rachel a hard time even when she's not doing anything wrong. It's almost like everyone is harder on her more than anyone else, even Mr. Schue. I don't get it.

But when I confront her about it she tries to make it about the team and I know she's lying about why she did it. I know Rachel freaked out because Sunshine was the first person to really give her a run at being the top singer around here. Sure Kurt is good and he pushes her, but Sunshine was new. She was liked by everyone. Rachel was really scared of that. I could tell just by her body language when Sunshine was singing. She was stiff and nervous. She's afraid because she doesn't think anyone likes her for anything more than her voice. And if someone replaces her voice, then no one will like her at all.

She doesn't understand that I like her for who she is, not just her voice. Sure her voice is super amazing. Every time she sings I swear my body reacts to her in some way. I feel it deep down in my stomach and I can't take my eyes off of her. No one has ever had that effect on me and I don't think anyone ever will again. Sometimes I feel like a girl admitting that, but Rachel just makes me feel things that I wouldn't admit to anyone, especially Puck.

But then she says she's afraid I'll break up with her and it doesn't make sense to me. Why would I break up with her? Hell right now I'm lucky I even have a girlfriend. I'm nothing anymore. I couldn't even stay the captain of the football team, they wouldn't take me on the cheerios, and I won't even be able to protect her from daily slushie facials when I'm just a glee loser to everyone. She should break up with me before I bring her down even more. I've never been good enough for her and now I'm definitely not good enough. I'm a nobody and Rachel deserves a somebody.

So I tell her she should break up with me but instead of doing that, she looks at me with those beautiful brown eyes and that sad look on her face and tells me she's never going to break up with me. And in this moment, I believe her. And nothing is going to make me break up with her either. Because Rachel is an amazing person and as much as she does this crazy stuff so that she can be the best singer, she would never do anything that would hurt me. She's not like Quinn. She wouldn't do what Quinn did to me because she's Rachel and she's better than that.

Rachel doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Sure she's misguided sometimes but she would never be cruel. And for that I would stay with her forever. I finally found the one person who loves me for me and cares about how I feel. I know she's hurting right now and I know the team is mad at her, but she'll make it up to them. She'll go off and do what she has to do to face the team again. Because she's Rachel and she always knows what to do. So all I can do is wait. Wait for her to come back. Wait for her to work it out with herself. Wait for her to amaze everyone else the way she amazes me. Then everything else is going to be alright. I just know it.


	22. Scene 22 Football Matters

**Scene 22**

I love walking down the hall with Rachel on my arm. I don't even care about the looks people make when I'm holding her hand. And when she touches me or kisses me in any way I feel like I could smile forever. She bakes for me, she takes care of me, before Rachel I didn't even know what it was like to have a girlfriend who cares so much about me. Sure sometimes it gets kind of suffocating. I kind of hate how happy she is that I'm not on the football team.

I get that she wants to make me happy but why does she have to be the ONLY thing that makes me happy. She worries that me being popular will somehow mean that I will leave her. And that gets really annoying. Because I don't care about what other people think about me dating her. Sure I don't want people to think I'm a loser, but I'm proud of dating Rachel. I just wish she would stop worrying so much about everything.

It doesn't help when Santana comes by and makes fun of her clothes. I don't know why I laughed. I like the way Rachel dresses, but she's ticking me off thinking that football doesn't matter to me or that I should feel bad because I still want to be on the team. And I don't want to piss off Santana either because then she might open her big mouth about that damn motel room last year. And if Rachel is worried about me leaving already, she would freak out if she knows I slept with Santana.

So I don't say anything. Instead I just let her walk by. And I feel bad, but I'm freaked out. And I'm angry. And I don't understand why she can't just be happy with what I want. So I tell her that Santana has a point. That somehow she dresses bad. And I walk away feeling like crap because I didn't mean it and I just want to run back and tell her that I don't mean it, but I can't. She has to understand that I need stuff too. And right now, I just need to be back on the football team.

Just because I love her doesn't mean that she is responsible for being the only thing that makes me happy. She just can't do that. Sure I like dating her, but if she is going to act like that all the time, she's going to make this really hard. But then she doesn't talk to me all day and I go home without talking to her after school. And I start to feel really bad. I finally break down and send her a Facebook message before I go to bed. I tell her I'm sorry for yelling at her and I didn't mean to make fun of her clothes. But she just replies with_ 'It's ok, I understand. You don't have to worry about it anymore. See you in school tomorrow.' _

What the hell does that mean? I mean is she breaking up with me? Is she not wearing clothes anymore? While I wouldn't mind seeing that, I don't really want her to do that at school. Sometimes Rachel is really hard to keep up with and usually she tells me exactly what she is feeling, but this is the first time that I have no idea what is going on with her. I wish I had never said anything to her at all, but maybe it will all be ok tomorrow and she will just bake some more banana bread and everything will go back to normal.


	23. Scene 23 Catcalls and Pigtails

**Scene 23**

This is much worse than I thought. Sure when she told me I didn't have to worry about it, I was kind of excited that she might come to school naked. But this is really wrong. I actually hear her coming down the hall first. Not actually her but all the freaking perverts around her. And then I see her. And I can't believe what I'm seeing. Rachel would never ever dress like that. Sure her skirts are always pretty short, but the pigtails, the tied up shirt with her belly showing.

This is all my fault. If I had just kept my mouth shut yesterday she would never feel like she has to dress like this. Sure it's hot and if she was in her room with just me and her I would be all over her trying to get her to let me touch her boobs or something, but the way everyone is staring at her is more than pissing me off. So I grab my hoodie and head directly in her direction. But she's smiling at me, almost teasing me and she totally is enjoying everyone staring at her.

This is total crap. Half those guys hate her guts and more than one or two of them have thrown slushies in her face. The other half haven't even bothered to learn her name. Now their mouths are open and they are whistling at her. Whistling at MY girlfriend. She doesn't even take my jacket. She brushes it off her shoulders and seems to smile at everyone as they walk by. What have I done?

This isn't the same thing as wanting to be on the football team. People don't check out my ass just because I'm the quarterback. No one should be checking out Rachel's ass. Why can't she just go back to her owl sweaters. Those make me much happier. Because then no one is looking at her at all. And that's exactly the way I want it. It's ok if I know she's hot under those sweaters, but no one else needs to know that.

But she just dances off practically skipping down the hall making her skirt flip up even higher and then that freaking creepy kid Ben Israel is offering to pay to have sex with her. I want to punch the kid in the face. How can she want guys acting that way about her? Is she really that angry with me that she is changing who she is? This is crap. I have to get back on the football team. I have to get back on that team right now. If I'm not on the team and my girlfriend dresses like that, I'll never keep her.

Every guy is practically pissing themselves to check her out. I need to be on the team if I'm going to protect her from those losers. I don't care if Rachel doesn't want me on the team. If she can dress like that when I don't want her to, then I can try and get back on the team even though she doesn't want me to. I don't have a choice. I created this mess and I have to fix it.


	24. Scene 24 It's over

**Scene 24**

Rachel has been avoiding me since the locker room. I tried to make things right with her. To show her that no matter what I'm proud she's mine. But she's still hung up on Santana and other girls somehow meaning more to me than her. Which is insane and also the reason why I just can't tell her about what happened with Santana. It would break her heart and I can't do that to her.

I just need to stay away from other girls which of course is right around the time that I see Quinn approaching my locker. Quinn Fabray. I've barely said two words to her since we broke up. It still hurts knowing she lied to me like she did. Sure I don't hate her anymore and I've more than made up with Puck, but it still stings. Plus it's pretty embarrassing. I have no idea why she wants to talk to me now but I should have figured what she was going to say before she said it.

Of course she wants to get back together now that she's back on top of the cheerios and I'm the quarterback again. It's almost like she thinks she is owed some perfect couple status because of who she is. Had I not been shown what real love is this year, I would have probably jumped right back at the chance to be with Quinn. But being with Rachel, with someone who wouldn't treat me like Quinn did, it has shown me that I deserve to have someone love me just as much as I love them.

Sure I'll always have some sort of feelings for Quinn. I don't think I ever really loved her like I do Rachel, but I cared about her. And when she got pregnant, I wanted to care for her, to take care of her and the baby, because I'm not a jerk. I would never leave someone if they were in trouble. But I can't go back to Quinn. I can't go back to that status crap. I don't care about status. I don't care about being the 'it' couple as she always said. I just want Rachel.

And I tell her how I feel and she looks a bit stunned or even surprised that I don't jump at the chance. Quinn always thought it was some sort of privilege to be with her. Like I should count my lucky stars that she let me be her boyfriend. She never gave me what I gave her. She never supported me or made me feel like I was worth anything. Rachel makes me feel like I'm special. She makes me feel like I can do anything. Like I can be anything I want.

No, I won't go back to Quinn. She needs to learn to respect my feelings for Rachel. She needs to learn that I love Rachel and nothing is going to change that. Quinn just doesn't understand how I could feel something strongly for Rachel. No one understands her like I do. I love her and that's that. There is nothing that anyone can say to change that.


	25. Scene 25 She is all I see

**Scene 25**

Rachel Berry is truly amazing. I have the best girlfriend in the entire world. Her speech was so special in Glee today. Sure what she said was awesome but it wasn't just that. Rachel doesn't open up to just anyone. It took a long time for me to get her to trust me to tell me what she was feeling. But for her to say those things, to admit she was wrong, in front of the entire Glee club. That was huge for her. She put her feelings out there for everyone to see. She didn't hide them.

It was a big step for Rachel. And it was a huge lesson for both of us. Sure we both have things about each other that we may not like, but the fact is we are still two completely different people. Sometimes I wonder how we can sit up talking on the phone for hours without running out of things to say to each other because we really are so different. But deep down, we are the same. Deep down inside me is that part of me that I only share with her. It's the me that I only trust with her.

And she shows me the part of her that she only trusts with me. She is my best friend and together we are learning to trust in each other. To trust in love. This is new for both of us. I've had a girlfriend, I've had sex, but I've never trusted someone so completely that I showed my true self to them. And I know that Rachel was hurt badly by both me and Jesse last year so she has had a ton of trust issues. But slowly we are working through them.

And she's the only one I want to work through them with. Even when I'm standing surrounded by Britney and Santana and girls who pay attention to me in the halls, all I see is her. She can be standing at the other end of the hall, but she's all I see. I can tell she's feeling nervous about me talking to other girls. She's almost sad and scared. But she's still all I see. And I don't even care about what Santana is rattling on about. I don't even hear her anymore because all I see is her. And I won't hide how I feel.

And as I approach her you can see the realization in her eyes that I'm coming over to her. That I just blew off two really hot chicks because I wanted to be with her. And every day it's going to take reminding her of that, but I don't care, because she is all I see. She is all I want. She is who I love. So I take her hand and I proudly walk down the hall with her. And I can't take my eyes off of her and it's not what she's wearing. And it's not about who she is. I can't take my eyes off her face. I can't stop staring at her beautiful smile. She draws me in and she holds me there.

She is all I see.


	26. Scene 26 Fist bumps and Scheming

**Scene 26**

No one understands Rachel the way I do. Everyone says she is uptight and doesn't know how to have any fun. But Rachel and I are different when we are together than when we are around other people. With Rachel I am myself. And right now we are definitely having fun. This scheming to lose the duets competition seemed silly at first. I didn't really understand why Rachel would willingly lose a singing competition, but she really is trying to be a team player. She knows we need Sam to stick around and that means we need him to sing with Quinn.

Sure it seems weird that I'm trying to get the new guy to pair up with my ex-girlfriend, but I don't think about Quinn like that. Right now I just need her to be herself and that means drawing the new guy in by being the popular cheerleader. And then I came up with the awesome idea of singing an offensive song with Rachel and I'm not going to lie, she rewarded me with a really nice make out session. Sure I still haven't tried to grab her boobs or anything because I really don't want her freaking out on me. I kinda thought she would be different since she insisted she slept with Jesse, but I'm almost 100% positive at this point that there is no way that happened.

But making out with Rachel is still all kinds of awesome and sometimes I think she knows how excited she gets me because she giggles when she "accidentally" brushes up against my thigh and she notices that I'm squeezing my eyes shut begging to run that damn mailman over again in my mind. But I still don't want to push it. I'm a gentleman and I'm not going to make Rachel go any faster than she wants to. So instead I just wait for her to tell me it's ok to go to the next step.

And I'm ok with that, because being with Rachel is awesome. Even as we are walking down the hall, arm in arm watching the scene with Quinn and Sam unfold in front of us, all I can think of is that Quinn would have never been this free with me. But Rachel and I just get each other. And she gets so excited when she sees our plan work out that she immediately fist bumps me and I'm so proud at how much she has grown since I first met her. This is my Rachel. This is the girl I love so much and wish that everyone could see. If they could just look past her hard exterior and the way she hides behind her talent so that no one will hurt her, they would totally see this awesome girl who cares about everyone.

Instead I'm pretty sure that people are going to think we are crazy when we sing our duet today. Not that I mind. I don't care what people think of us anymore. Besides, Rachel looks freaking hot in that nun get up. Yeah that seems kind of creepy but I'm hoping maybe she'll make out with me tonight when we are still dressed in our clothes. It's kinda hot knowing it's totally wrong to be turned on by her look. And I think she was kinda digging the priest clothes because she licked her lips more than once as she was helping me put on the collar. Yeah I think I'm totally gonna win big by losing this contest today.


	27. Scene 27 Disappointment

**Scene 27**

Is she out of her mind? She wants me to stand up to Karofsky in the middle of football season. Does she realize that it could get me killed! Sure I mean I like Kurt, he's like a brother to me now or something, but do I really want to get killed over it. Kurt's a big kid, he can stand up for himself right? Why do all the guys have to get involved? I mean at least the other guys aren't like in direct danger of not being protected on the field. I don't want to have my face smashed into the ground, I'll be of no good at all to Kurt if I can't walk on my own because some 300 pound high school dude on steroids crushed me. I've seen what the wrong kind of hit can do to a guy. Sean was walking around just fine before that idiot hit him.

She can't just stand there and make me feel like I'm not doing enough. It's not like I don't care. Why does she have to look at me that way? I don't want her to be angry at me and right now she definitely doesn't look happy. I like it when Rachel thinks I'm a good guy. I like being her hero, but she has to understand that this is suicide. I get bullied by that jerk too. No one understands that. They see this big quarterback and think he's like untouchable or something. I don't tell everyone all the times that the guys gang up on me in the restroom or the locker room and start fights with me or call me gay. I don't bother anyone with that crap. I mean I'm supposed to be this football stud and I can't even stand up for myself. How am I supposed to stand up for Kurt? They'll kill me.

But then she's looking at me again with those eyes that I don't know how to say no to. I don't want to disappoint her. I hate having her tell me that she's feeling that way about me. I feel like I'm letting her down. Rachel always looks at me like I hang the moon and a part of me really likes that. I like feeling like I make someone proud. Back when I was dating Quinn, nothing I did was right. But she would just yell at me and call me stupid or something and I ignored it because she just liked to yell at me I think. But having Rachel tell me she's disappointed actually hurts. Because I know she doesn't think I'm an idiot. And I know she knows I'm actually afraid of Kurofsky and what he might say.

I wish she couldn't see inside me like that. I tell her all the time I don't care what people think, but I don't like Karosfsky calling me gay or thinking I'm like Kurt. It's cool Kurt is gay, but I'm not and I don't want him telling people I am. I know it shouldn't bother me. I should be a bigger man, but I'm still so afraid. And now I'm not only letting Kurt down, but Rachel too. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't me. Why do I always have to be the one to do the right thing?


	28. Scene 28 Flirtations of trouble

**Scene 28**

So I think Rachel is still pretty pissed at me. I never thought it would come out like that. I mean I knew at the wedding that Santana was starting to push about telling Rachel. I don't know why, I mean Santana can't stand me and I barely speak to her. I don't know why she had to be so hateful and tell Rachel in front of everyone. After everything I've done to try and keep it quiet so that Rachel didn't get hurt and she ended up getting hurt way worse by me not telling her the truth right away. She hasn't spoken to me all days and I'm starting to wonder if she just broke up with me and didn't tell me.

I mean sure everyone is talking in the halls about it. People are patting me on the back for doing it with Santana and I don't really understand why because really who hasn't done it with Santana? It's not like I did something really cool or anything. I just did what every other idiot in this school has done. Hell I didn't even enjoy it. Not that I'm going to be bringing that up because really I don't want to come off like a huge loser or anything. And if you sleep with one of the cheerios you gotta at least pretend to be proud of it right?

But really all I want is to get Rachel back. I gotta get her to see that it wasn't a big deal. It didn't mean anything to me. But then we went to that damn counseling session with Ms. Pillsbury and everything went wrong. My foot decided it liked being in my mouth for some reason and I know I said stuff that came out wrong. Like really Hudson, she's really hot! I just had to get there. Like that was all that mattered was that she was hot. Like Rachel isn't or something. Why would I say that? And then I tried to fix it but she was done listening by that point. Not that I blame her. I mean if she had told me she slept with Puck or something I'd probably freak out on her. I would have understood it if she slept with Jesse, but not Puck.

I guess that's what she meant when she said she expected me to have slept with Quinn and not Santana. Either way it's all me sleeping with someone who isn't Rachel. And if I want to ever sleep with Rachel I have to fix this quickly. But I'm never going to fix it if Santana doesn't stop staring me down and flirting with me in the halls. If Rachel saw that she would totally get the wrong idea. That's all I need right now. But I smile at Santana because I don't need any more trouble from her. I don't need any more trouble period. I just need to find Rachel and fix this. If only I could get her to talk to me.


	29. Scene 29 Break Up

Scene 29

We tied at least. I mean that's something right. Sure we didn't win and I can guarantee if Mr. Schue had let Rachel and I sing we would have won with that song, but maybe now he'll learn that lesson. Who would have thought throwing that duets competition would have cost us our duet at sectionals? Either way I can't help smiling as Rachel talks about being a part of something special with Glee. And I just want to reach out and hold her. She's finally talking to me again, but I still don't know if we are together or not. But I know she can't resist when I ask her if we are part of something special. I can feel it in my heart that she knows we are. Because we love each other. I love her more than anything in this world and I know she feels the same.

So I'm not surprised when she agrees with me. And it feels really good to have her back in my arms again. She's so beautiful and the feel of her arms around me immediately puts me back at peace. This is where I belong. I love her. And we aren't going through this again. No more lies, no more hurting each other. So I'm surprised when she says she has something to tell me. Because what else could she possibly tell me? I know she didn't sleep with Jesse already and she knows I did sleep with Santana. There isn't much more than can hurt us after that right?

Wrong! What the hell? Puck! She tried to sleep with Puck. Is she insane? Of all the damn people she could find to screw me over with it had to be that jackass! She knows how hard it was when I found out about Quinn. She was there when I cried in her arms. She can't stand there and pretend she didn't think this would hurt me. I don't even know her right now. This isn't the same girl that told me that Quinn should have never lied to me like that. That cheating is wrong no matter how you do it. She's the one that told me that she couldn't kiss me anymore last year when I was still with Quinn.

Yet here she is breaking my heart in pieces and telling me that SHE was the one who went after Puck. And HE was the one who stopped it. Yeah I'm sure the jerk was really thinking about me when he was trying to get in another one of my girlfriends pants. What is it that I do exactly that causes every single girl I have to go to him? I never expected this from her. From Quinn, sure. Because she was the kind of girl who went to whoever made her feel better. But Rachel was different. Sure she could be a pain in the butt, but I loved her anyway because she always thought about my feelings.

And she's standing there crying and I can't even look at her. Part of me wants to hold her and the other part just wants to scream in her face. How could she hurt me like this? How could she do this to us? No, I can't stand here and talk to her right now. I just need to get the hell away from her. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my heart is breaking or the fact that she's the only one that can fix it.


	30. Scene 30 Bitter Christmas

**Scene 30**

I know she's behind me. I can feel her staring at me as we walk down the hall. I haven't spoken to her since I broke it off with her at the tree lot. I still feel like a jackass for just leaving her standing there. I got halfway home before I realized that I was her ride. I went back to pick her up but she was already gone. I found out from Kurt that he picked her up after I left her there and I don't think he's too happy with me. Which makes no sense because I totally thought he couldn't stand her. I want to be furious with her and I guess I still really am, but you don't just leave a girl in a tree lot with no ride home even if she does suck!

I know I totally sound like a hypocrite right now because I'm being friendly with Puck and everything in front of her when I won't even speak to her, but she needs to understand how angry I am. What she did was really wrong. I expect this crap out of Puck so I guess it's easier just to ignore it. But Rachel was supposed to be different. And she's not. She's just like the rest of them. And that sucks!

She tried to sing me a song today and I didn't want to hear it. I just couldn't stand there and watch her sing her heart out to me. It hurts too much. She keeps trying so hard to get me to forgive her and I'm just not ready. I want to be mad at her. I want to hate her for what she did. It was so much crueler than what Quinn did because Rachel knew how much I loved her. Quinn and I weren't like that. But if I stand there and see her eyes as she sings to me, I might give in and I can't do that. Not now. So instead I stood at the back of the auditorium in the dark and listened to her song.

And yeah my heart broke again just listening to her, but I kept my back to her the whole time. I couldn't watch her. I just couldn't turn around because as much as I wanted to I knew I would give in and just walk right back to her and I'm not ready to do that. It just can't be that easy. Because it hurts too much to be around her right now. Every time I see her I'm reminded of how easy it was for her to hurt me. I don't ever want anyone to have that kind of power over me again. I won't let a girl get under my skin like Rachel did. Maybe finding a nicer girl wasn't' the problem all along, because she hurt me worse than Quinn did. I just have to find a way to hide away who I am. To protect myself.

Maybe that's how Puck gets by without feeling this kind of pain. Maybe that's what I need to do. I could be more like Puck. It's not like he has to deal with girls hurting him. He walks away first without a cut. That's the only thing I can do now. Because I'm never going to let another girl hurt me like this again. It's just too bad that I can't find it in my heart to actually hate her.


	31. Scene 31 Valentines Lie

**Scene 31**

This is like one of the best ideas I have ever had. If I can get Quinn to kiss me again, she'll totally be all over me. And then I will have won. I will have convinced Quinn that I am better than Sam. And I totally am. I'm the quarterback, the big man on campus. I deserve to win. And I deserve to steal Quinn. Maybe if I can just fix the stuff that went wrong with Quinn and me then I will figure out why things didn't work out with Rachel and me. I mean obviously something is wrong with me if all my girlfriends cheat on me. I gotta be doing something wrong. But this way, I'm in charge. I get to decide who cheats on who and this way I'm the only one who doesn't get hurt.

Ok so maybe I'm a little confused on why I'm really chasing Quinn again. But that's not important right now. The most important part is that I don't get hurt. And Quinn did kiss me first so she's totally fair game. And it's not like she won't cheat on Sam, because she already proved she would cheat on her boyfriend. So this is going to be really easy actually. As long as I don't let my feelings get involved, I'm safe. I just need to put on the charm, and she'll come to me.

I guess maybe there is one tiny problem with my plan. Rachel. I'm like totally over her though so it shouldn't be that big of a deal but when she's standing in front of me with a dollar in her hand, suddenly I don't feel so over her. But it doesn't matter because I'm done dealing with my feelings. Feelings just get in the way. But there is no way I can kiss her. I mean what if I kiss her and everything comes rushing back and then I feel sick to my stomach just looking at her again. I can't do that. There is no way I can go back there. Christmas break was hard enough when I spent it crying like a freaking girl in my room. No, I'll just kiss her on the cheek. That way she doesn't get hurt and I don't get hurt. Not that I care if she gets hurt or anything. I mean I might care a little bit but that's just because I'm not a mean guy.

But then she says she's over me. Wait, she's over ME? When the hell did that happen? But I kiss her on the cheek and suddenly she's mad at me. It figures I still can't do anything right. And now I just want her to stop talking about caring about me and forgiving her. I can't. I don't want to forgive her. Why does she have to make this so hard? Why can't she just get over me? That's what I want right? I just need her to stop talking. I need her to stop making sense right now because I don't want to hear about what I should do. And then I remember that stupid package in my backpack. That damn necklace that I carry around reminding me of when things were different. So I give it to her. Partly because I want her to stop freaking out on me, but also because it really does belong to her.

Even though I can't think about what she did without getting sick to my stomach or wanting to punch a hole in the wall, I still care about Rachel. She's still Rachel. That amazing girl who can do anything her mind is set on. I don't know who I was kidding anyway when I thought her and I would work. She always said I was better than everyone else, but really I'm not. I hurt her too and she really does deserve someone who is going to treat her like gold. She's going places and I'm not. Maybe it's time that I face who I really am. And maybe it's time that Rachel realizes who she is and gets over me. Hopefully now she can do that. It is what I want. Right?


	32. Scene 32 A Comeback to Friends

**Scene 32**

I know what the other girls have been up to with wearing Rachel's clothes. I overheard Britney talking about it in the halls. I can't believe they think they are fooling anyone by trying to claim that look for their own. Everyone knows that Rachel Berry owns the animal sweater look. Honestly the first time I walked into school and saw everyone dressed like that I almost died. It's hard enough when you are trying to get over someone and you see them in every girl who walks by you, but it's even worse when they look just like your ex too. But I don't care who dresses like her, no one will ever be her.

The worst part is when no one sticks up for her when she makes a valid point. Not that I didn't enjoy 'Sing'. Because honestly it was the first time I've sang anything with Rachel since we broke up and it just felt nice to not feel sick to my stomach again. But Rachel has a point; the song isn't going to win Regionals. We need to do something no one expects us to. But no one wants to stand up and agree with her. And I just can't. I want to. I really do, but it's not going to matter if I do. No one wants to listen to her. But I have to talk to her. I need to tell her that she's right, even if I can't say it out loud.

Of course she wants to talk about Quinn. But I can't. Not with her. Not yet. She wouldn't understand, because I don't understand it either. But that's not why I'm here. I need her to know that she can do this. She can make a difference. She's the star. And I do believe in her. I know Rachel could totally write an amazing song and change everyone's mind. She just has to write it. Alone. Because there is no way I can write a song with her. It hurts too much and I don't want her to know that it still hurts me to think of her that way. I think a part of me has forgiven her. I know I'm not really angry with her anymore.

But then she looks at me and my heart stops. And I know I care about her. I always will. She's Rachel and she will always be special. Maybe I'm not ready to be with her, but I'm definitely ready to be her friend again. I need to be her friend. It hurts too much to not be friends with her. So I will stand by and support her. Because I believe in her more than anyone ever will and she deserves to have someone in her corner even if no one else will. She's done so much for everyone in Glee and they never repay her with the same kindness.

And I can tell that just my talking to her again has an effect on her. It's probably unfair of me that it makes me smile that she shivers a little when I put my hand on her shoulder. Probably because it makes my heart skip a small beat just touching her again. I can't turn around though because I know that if I see that smile on her face everything will break down again. I'm just starting to like I can be in the same room with her; I can't have it all falling apart inside like that again. Friends. Yeah, I can do that.


	33. Scene 33 Drunken Mess

**Scene 33**

I'm pretty sure this is a bad idea. I don't know what the heck I had to tell her to live a little for. There is nothing wrong with the Rachel Berry I know. I had to know that Puck would be involved in this. That he somehow made her feel like she wasn't daring enough. But I had to come. I needed to keep an eye on things in case they got out of hand. I might not be dating Rachel anymore but that doesn't mean I'm just going to let Puck take advantage of her.

I would have been fine coming alone until Kurt started snooping around my computer and forced himself and Blaine into coming to this party too. But here I am, showing up with two gay guys to a party. Rachel answers the door and I have no idea what she is wearing. Honestly it looks like something my nana would wear but it still manages to make Rachel look adorable. The party is pretty quiet and as we come down the hall and into the basement I can see that everyone is there, but it sure seems boring. And that's good. A boring Rachel Berry party is exactly what is needed. There is no reason for this to get out of hand.

And then Puck happens. Puck and his stupid ideas. What am I supposed to do? I can't act like a girl now and tell Rachel that it's a bad idea. Puck will kick my ass. No, she's not my girlfriend. It's her party. But it gets out of hand really quickly. For a bunch of Glee kids, they sure are crazy. I see Quinn watching me from the corner. We've gone out on a couple of dates recently. I haven't told anyone, not even Kurt. I don't know why, I just don't want anyone to know. I don't really want to look like the jerk who made Quinn cheat on Sam. But Sam appears to be with Santana now so no one really cares anymore.

Dealing with Rachel though. She seems so lost tonight. Drunk and lost. As much as I want to be there for her, I also want to get her the heck off of me. I can't deal with the way she's acting. She's got to stop. I just can't be around her like this. Sure a few months ago, I would be all over her if she was drunk. I would have given anything for her to be this clingy to me. But not now. Not with Quinn staring daggers at me and Rachel practically begging me to take her back. I need to get the heck out of here.

The whole night is a disaster. Between Quinn yelling at me between bathroom breaks and Rachel sucking face with Blaine, I don't know how much worse I can be feeling. This whole party is a disaster and I'm going to be the only one who remembers any of it. Next time Rachel says she needs to live a little, I'm keeping my mouth shut.


	34. Scene 34 Little Lies I tell myself

**Scene 34**

We've been dating a few weeks and Quinn really wants to go public with it. I'm trying to hold her off as long as possible. First it was because of Sam, and then Glee, then Regionals, but really I just want to avoid telling Rachel. I don't know why. I mean I know Rachel is a big girl and she could probably handle it, but when she talks to me, or tells me about her song and how she's so excited for me to hear it, I just don't want to tell her. I don't want to hurt Rachel. I've forgiven her for cheating on me. I guess a part of me gets why she did it. I'll always hate what she did, but I don't hate her.

And I know the only thing stopping us from being together is me. If I told Rachel I wanted her back I could totally have her. I guess it's wrong that I like feeling like that. It's not like I'm trying to lead her on because I'm serious about wanting to be friends with her. And I do still care about her. Sure I probably do stuff that might overstep that a bit, like staring at her through English class when I'm supposed to be writing down stuff from the board. Or waiting for her after class so I can walk her to Spanish even though my next class is on the other side of the school. And I know I probably shouldn't get excited when she calls me at night to tell me about her song she's writing or the fact that after we hang up we text each other way into the night about how our day was and stuff.

But I'm with Quinn now and I guess I have to tell Rachel eventually. But something about dating Quinn still bothers me. I don't know what it is yet. I should be super happy to tell everyone that Quinn and I are together. After all I did steal her from Sam. But every time Quinn brings up prom something inside of me screams that it's just not normal to be this obsessed about a stupid $10 crown. Maybe I'm just being paranoid because last time Quinn was just using me when she was sleeping with my best friend, but I just don't trust Quinn and I'm never really sure if she's telling me the truth.

Either way I have to tell Rachel soon. I don't want her finding out from someone else like she did about Santana and me. That really backfired. And when girls tell each other things, it's usually not in a nice way. I just have to find a way to break it to her without breaking her heart. And selfishly I guess I want to tell her without her running away from me. Is it bad that I still don't want her to get over me? I guess that's wrong. Because I'm dating Quinn and Rachel should have the right to date another guy. But something about that makes me really angry. Maybe I'll just wait a few more days to figure out how to tell her.


	35. Scene 35 Illegal Smiles

**Scene 35**

I never thought Mercedes could be so insane. A puppy? Really? Quinn tells me that we don't know how to deal with people who think they are more talented than us. Well there was really only one person I know more talented than everyone and that's Rachel. She would definitely know how to deal with Mercedes. But when I suggest it to Quinn, she gets mad and doesn't talk to me for two hours. She finally calls me before bed and tells me that if we are going to have Rachel help us, she wants to be there when we tell her. I don't know why I can't just do it by myself. I don't really like the idea of bringing Quinn along to ask her to do something for us.

Ever since Quinn told Rachel about us dating things have been odd for us. Quinn gets angry when I even talk to Rachel and Rachel gets really quiet when Quinn is around. I knew telling her was going to be a bad idea. But after a couple of days of Rachel giving me the cold shoulder she finally started responding to my texts again. We still talk at night about Glee and stuff, though it takes a lot more to get her to talk to me now. Sure I delete the texts as soon as they come in because Quinn got really pissed the last time she saw one from Rachel on my phone. But I'm just happy that Rachel is talking to me.

She doesn't seem happy however when Quinn and I approach her at her locker. I knew this might be a stupid and when she tells us we are kind of showing off our relationship in front of her face, I have to agree. But we need her help and she is the only one who can do this. She's amazing. And if anyone can get Mercedes to listen it's going to be her. She's the only one who understands what it's like to be super talented and have no one listen to you. Everyone does that to her. But I know she'll help me if I ask her. So we just come out with it and ask.

And even though I can see it in her face that she is hurt that we are standing in front of her, she looks right at me when she agrees to help. She would never let me down. Not Rachel. So she smiles at me with those beautiful brown eyes and walks away. And I can't help but feel the grin on my face grow wider as I watch her leave. I can feel Quinn staring at me, but I don't care. Rachel is my friend and Quinn is just going to have to get over that. I have to listen to her complain for about twenty minutes for that smile. Apparently it's not appropriate to smile that long when looking in the direction of your ex-girlfriend. She doesn't care that Rachel and I are friends. She got mad and left me standing at my truck while yelling something about how we were friends last time and look how that turned out. I guess maybe she doesn't really trust me either.


	36. Scene 36 Little thing called karma

**Scene 36**

She wants to sing a duet with me? God I would love to sing with her, but I don't think that's the best idea. Besides the fact that Quinn would freak out, I'm not sure I can sing with Rachel. Not just the two of us. It's just a bad idea. But seriously, the Quinn thing, yeah lately she's like freaking out if I just look at Rachel. Scary Quinn has definitely made its return. Last year that would have meant that I tried to stay away from Rachel for a while, but I'm not that same scared kid that Quinn dated last year. This time I have a say in what I do. I'm not letting her just boss me around. So I stay friends with Rachel and I talk to her between classes. Quinn is going to have to deal with it.

But singing a duet is a bad idea. Not only will it just set Quinn off, but it will confuse me. Singing with Rachel always does that. Something about the way we sing together makes my heart take over and my head forgets everything I'm supposed to be standing strong to. And it would be wrong to sing with Rachel when I know the way we are when we sing. We just feel each other. I can't explain it. And that wouldn't be fair to Quinn. But then Rachel is telling me that there's some stupid article about her in the paper and at first I think it's about Quinn being gay, which is totally not true.

But it's worse. The article is about a blonde cheerleader and her ex-boyfriend shacking up in some motel. Sam. Quinn. No way is this happening. I will not have another girlfriend cheat on me. I don't even wait to see if Rachel thinks it's true because before I realize it I've made it to the choir room and into Sam's face. I get it; he wants to get back at me for stealing Quinn away from him. And I totally believe that Quinn would do this to me. She cheated before; she'll totally cheat on me again. She never really apologized for doing it the first time. But I'm just so angry. Why am I always so stupid?

Why do all my girlfriends cheat on me? It's not like I lied to her this time. Sure last time I kissed Rachel…twice. But only one of those times was my fault because Rachel totally kissed ME the second time. But I didn't exactly tell Quinn about either of them. So I totally had it coming that she would cheat on me. And I did lie to Rachel about Santana and Rachel was pretty angry when she found out. And I did tell Rachel that Santana was super-hot so I guess I had that coming too. But this time, I haven't cheated on Quinn. Sure it's been really hard sitting next to Rachel in English and smelling her shampoo and wanting to reach out and just run my fingers through her hair. But I haven't. I always stop myself. This time, Quinn is totally out of line!


	37. Scene 37 Of Omelets and Kings

**Scene 37**

I told myself there is no way that rumor is true. There is no way Rachel would be seen in public with St. Jackass much less go to freaking prom with him. There has to be some mistake. Just another rumor like the one about Quinn and Sam. She would never forgive Jesse. He made a freaking omelet on her head. So I feel like I just got hit by a truck when she tells me it's true. Sure she tried to make it sound like he's just tagging along on their real fun prom on a budget thing, but there would be no reason for Jesse to attend prom at McKinley High unless he was going with Rachel!

Its crap, how can she just forgive him? How can she just trust him again after everything he did to her? He lied about her mom, he freaking lied about why he was dating her, and he was just using her. So when she tells me that she's dying inside about Quinn and me it really hits me. I did the same thing I'm angry at her about. I forgave Quinn after she lied to me. After she was just using me to be her baby daddy and I forgave her and dated her again. What if Rachel dates Jesse again? No, this can't be happening. She's not supposed to get over me. She's supposed to wait until I figure all this crap out for myself. She's supposed to just WAIT!

But I haven't figured things out, hell all I know right now is that I don't want to even go to prom anymore. Quinn is driving me insane. I really don't know why I'm dating her. I still haven't decided if I'm relieved or sad that she wasn't cheating on me. I think a part of me thought that at least if she was cheating on me I would have my answer. Now I'm back to square one and figuring out why I'm dating her in the first place. I don't care about being prom king. I know she does, but I just don't care. If I'm honest, I don't really want to go to prom with Quinn. Especially now that I know Jesse and Rachel are going together. I need to be around to keep an eye on that jackass to make sure he isn't here to hurt her again.

Quinn's just going to yell at me anyway when I screw up the flowers or my tux. It wouldn't have been that way with Rachel. She would have been happy with anything I got her. I always loved how her eyes would light up when I got her a present. Even if it was just a daisy from the front lawn, she acted like I bought her a whole flower store. She's always so great about everything, which is why I'm not surprised that she would help me figure out what flowers to get Quinn. She's just awesome like that. But as she's talking all I can think about is how beautiful she is and how I really just can't wait to see what she looks like all dressed up at prom. And it breaks me a little when she walks away and I can tell she's just trying to be strong so she doesn't cry in front of me and it takes everything I have not to run after her and hug her.

But I can't. It's not fair to her. I'm still with Quinn and I need to sort out whatever we have going on first. Instead I'll just make sure that I keep an eye on Rachel at prom. I'm not going to let Jesse hurt her again. I still care about her too much to see her hurt. So watch out St. James, I'll be watching you. If he even orders eggs I'm kicking his ass.


	38. Scene 38 Lima loser

**Scene 38**

So it's official. I freaking hate Jesse St. James. I should have punched him when I had the chance. I'd like to say I didn't hit him because I was being a gentleman in front of Rachel, but really its cuz the guy jumps around like a freaking rabbit. Who can hit that? But I really should have tried harder because it's all I want to do right now. I don't know how he did it, but somehow in one short Glee club meeting he's got me feeling like a major Lima loser again.

I can't believe how he went after me in Glee today. And NO ONE said anything to back me up. After everything Jesse has done to this team, and they just sat there. Sam even agreed with him and he doesn't even know him and I could totally hear Puck laughing behind me. Maybe I don't know anything. Maybe I'm not good enough for New York, but the least they could have done was have my back. Sure I kinda stole Sam's girl so maybe I understand him, but not even Quinn said anything. She told me after class that he had a point. And then to say that "Faithfully" wasn't good enough last year and that it's why we lost is insane. Rachel and I killed that song. The judges sucked last year and everyone knows that.

But maybe he has a point. I can't dance. I'm pretty sure I proved that when I broke Rachel's nose. I'm not the best singer. But I'm not horrible. At least I don't think so. I don't know what I think anymore. I just know that maybe New York is too big for me. I can take Lima by storm but I'll never be anything else. Which sucks because Rachel is totally New York. There is no one that can tell me that she isn't going to get out of here and go to New York. And I'm just not good enough for that. Not that it matters because I'm totally with Quinn and stuff. Right?

Lately I just don't know. There's something off about Quinn and I. And if I really want to be with Quinn, why am I so worried that I'll never be good enough for Rachel? I don't think I know what I want anymore. I just know that I'm not happy lately and if I'm being truly honest with myself I haven't been happy for a really long time. I think the last time I felt complete was the night of my mom's wedding. I remember just sitting outside the reception hall with Rachel on the swing set for hours talking about our plans for after graduation. I remember kissing her right there on that swing set until I felt like I really was flying. I got so excited that I jumped off the swing and said I was superman and Rachel laughed at me for what felt like hours and I didn't even care because I could totally listen to her laugh forever. And everything felt right.

And that was the last time I've felt that way. Now I just feel empty. Incomplete. Like something is missing inside of me and I don't know how to put it back. I just need to figure out how to put it all back together again. I just wish I knew where to start.


	39. Scene 39 Man Free in New York

**Scene 39**

Tethered. I guess that explains why I've felt incomplete for so long. The person I have needed all along is the one person I kept pushing away. Breaking up with Quinn was hard, but I needed to do it. I was trying so hard to go back and change things because I was so afraid of fixing what hurt the most. I didn't want to trust Rachel or let her back in because it hurt so much after what she did. With Quinn, it was easy. Sure she hurt me too, but at least with Quinn I wasn't in danger of feeling the same pain as I did with Rachel. Quinn couldn't hurt me because she never had my heart.

But after the funeral, I just knew. I couldn't stay with Quinn because it wasn't what I needed. As much as I tried to push Rachel away, I couldn't really. I always kept her right there at arm's length. I needed her still. I cared about her. But I was too afraid to expose my heart again. It figures that as soon as I got up the courage to try again, Jesse the douchebag would get in the way again. I need to find out what that kiss meant. Maybe it was just a hey-nice-job-on-your-solo kiss. Or maybe he's totally trying to steal my girl from me.

I see Rachel come into the lobby and I notice how really happy she is in New York. She's like a kid in a candy store. It makes me want to reach out and hug her. And she's so colorful today. Like a rainbow. Her coat is cute how it comes down right to the hem of her skirt. It almost makes her look like she's only wearing the coat. Ok I really can't think about that right now. I need to focus. I need to stop staring at her legs and figure out what is going on with Jesse.

I know I just need to ask her. I need to find out something. She brings up Quinn and I'm happy that she knows we broke up. I made sure to tell Kurt first knowing that he would get right on the phone and tell Rachel about it. I quickly bring up Jesse and I'm relieved to find out that she isn't talking to him right now. In fact she almost seems like she isn't sure if she wants to either. That has to be a good thing for me right? But then she says all guys. Like ALL guys. Including me? Just great, I finally realize that I'm ready to move forward with Rachel and suddenly she's anti men! I've totally got to figure out a way to make her want me again. I really screwed up by waiting this long. It was stupid to think she would just wait for me while I spent my time with Quinn. Sometimes I'm a real idiot.


	40. Scene 40 Take a chance

**Scene 40**

Puck was right. This was an awesome idea. There is nothing Rachel loves more than New York, romantic comedies, and Broadway. Well tonight I took her on an awesome romantic adventure, met her Broadway idol, all while in New York. I totally rocked this date. As I'm walking down the alleyway with her all I can do is smile to myself as I feel her grip my arm and rest her head against me. This is everything I wanted this to be. I don't know why I was so afraid of this? It's Rachel and Finn. Finn and Rachel and we just belong together.

My heart is racing though. I don't know why. Except for the fact that all I can think about is kissing her. I haven't kissed her in months. Not even at that stupid kissing booth because I was too afraid to touch her lips to mine. But right now it's all I want to do. I keep telling myself that I need to be a gentleman and walk her to the door and just kiss her goodnight. But I can't wait. I need to kiss her now before my heart explodes. I need to know she's mine again. I don't even care that the guys are here watching. I don't care if I make a fool out of myself in front of anyone. I just need her to be mine.

She's so adorable the way she looks up at me. And when she tells me she thought this was a work date I laugh because Rachel Berry is the smartest girl I know. She never once thought this was a work date. As I lean down I can smell her shampoo and its intoxicating being this close to her again. I need to kiss her. It's the only thing that's been running through my brain for an hour. But as I close my eyes I feel her pull back. I can sense her trying to move away from me. Crap. I need her to see me. To understand that this is me putting it all out there for her.

I need her to take a chance on me. I know it's asking a lot. I know that so much has happened between us this year, but I need her. She needs me. And I think she's realized that until I feel her hand tighten in mine and I open my eyes to see the sad look on her face and it breaks my heart. I know she's going to walk away before she opens her mouth. This wasn't supposed to end like this. This isn't the way our story ends. We're Finn and Rachel. But I realize that maybe I'm just too late. Maybe this is one time when the guy doesn't get the girl because the guy was too stupid to see what he was missing. And I know I deserve it. I deserve to stand here and watch her walk away.

But that doesn't mean this is the end. I can't just give up. I need to tell her how I feel. I need her to hear me. But the only way I can get her to listen to me is by singing to her. And that's when I realize that Rachel Berry is a genius. Because that's how she got my heart to hear her. She wrote me a song. She told me about how she wanted to get it right. About how she wanted to be good enough. And when she sang the walls around my heart came down. That's what I need to do. I need to write down everything I'm feeling and then I need to sing it to her. NO! I need to get her to sing it with me. It's the only way I'm going to get her back. I'm done pretending that my life doesn't depend on her. This time, I'm getting my happy ending.


	41. Scene 41 No more pretending

**Scene 41**

She's avoiding me. When Mr. Schue told her about my song, she read the lyrics and then she told me she would practice it on her own. It's like she won't sing with me on purpose. I don't get it. What do I have to do to get her to look at me or talk to me or just tell me why? I always thought that Rachel felt the same way about me as I did about her. So why is she pushing me away now? We've been back stage for thirty minutes when she finally looks over at me and I can see she is hesitating when I walk toward her.

Doesn't she understand that I am begging to be with her? I realized what I wanted. It's not Quinn or Santana or anyone but her. I love Rachel. I always have and I just want to be with her. Doesn't she love me anymore? She can't have just put all those feelings aside already. Even when I was with Quinn, I knew I loved Rachel still. Surely Rachel still loves me. But I don't know what's worse. Knowing that she still loves me but can't be with me or thinking she never loved me at all. But I know she did. I know Rachel loved me.

But then I realize that going up against some guy for her love isn't nearly as bad as going up against an entire city. How will I ever be better than New York? But she doesn't realize that I would never stand in her way. Why can't she see that she can have New York and me? I want her to have New York and all of her dreams just as badly as she wants them. Sure I don't know how to dream as big as her, but I'm sure she could teach me. Rachel can do anything. She just needs to believe in us.

As she walks away from me my heart sinks to my feet. There's nothing I can do about it? Nothing? No I refuse to believe that. I can see it all over her face. As much as she wants to believe that this is it. That she can just walk away from me and not feel anything. She's wrong. And I'm going to prove it to her. She can't hide from me anymore. She can't pretend she doesn't care. I'm going to make her sing with me and she's going to have no place to go and nothing to do except to face her own feelings the way I had to when she sang to me.

This is my last shot. And no matter what happens, I'm leaving nothing out on that stage. I'm going to show her exactly how I feel. No regrets. This is my shot to make her hear me. To make her understand that you can't just walk away from this. We started this together two years ago and I've never stopped believing in her. I just need to remind her that she can believe in me again too. I'm about to show Rachel Berry exactly what I can do about it. It's time to show New York just what Finn Hudson can do.


	42. Scene 42 One year to prove myself

**Scene 42**

So I'm an idiot! Like seriously. The one thing I know that Rachel loves and wants more than anything was winning Nationals. We worked so hard for two years for this. And I couldn't control myself for one song. All these months of being around her when we were apart. All this time that she was near and I held myself back. I wait until the single most important day of our lives to lose control and kiss her. Sure it was like the best freaking kiss I have ever had. Who the hell needs fireworks when you can make the earth stand still? The moment my lips touched hers I felt like everything in the room stopped. It was probably the first time in my life that I understood what my mom meant when she told me that kissing my dad made her feel like they were the only two people in the world. I get it now.

But why did I choose that time to figure everything out? I don't know what happened. One moment we were singing and she was looking at me and I just knew that I had never loved her more than that moment. And all I could think was that if she was going to walk off that stage and never be with me again, I had to kiss her one last time. I needed to remember what it felt like. Because I just knew that kissing Rachel was the single most important thing I needed at that moment. And before I realized what was happening her lips were on mine and the earth stood still. I completely forgot we were in a packed auditorium with everyone watching. It didn't matter because all I heard was silence. All I felt was her. All that mattered at that moment was that our hearts became one.

When I kissed her, the whole world felt right again. All the crap from this year, the cheating, the tears, the anger, everything drifted away into a fuzzy haze and the only thing that was clear in front of me was her. It was like a light turning on in the middle of the darkest day and being drawn to that light. And when our lips met, everything I had been feeling this year flashed in front of me and exploded until all that was left was a sense of belonging. Everything was finally clear to me. Rachel is my light. Rachel is my way out of the darkness I have been stuck in. Rachel is the future I want.

But that all came crashing down when I found out that we lost. And everyone blamed Rachel and me. I feel like a real jerk knowing that Rachel did everything she could for this team and they blame her because I couldn't control myself until we got off the stage. I've been hiding in the library for days in between classes. I don't want to talk to anyone and I have been avoiding Rachel because I'm just so ashamed. But of course she finds me. She always does. It's like we could find each other in a crowded room just by reaching into our heart.

She doesn't blame me. She says she understands. She wants to know if it was worth it. But she doesn't understand that I would do it all again if it meant I could hold her for just a while longer. If it meant I could convince her that she doesn't have to lose me to find her dreams. Of course it was worth it. I just hope it was worth it to her. Her smile tells me it was. That she feels the same way as I do and my heart starts that familiar pounding again. She's serious about New York. I never thought otherwise. But it's a year away. And I have one year to prove to her that I can be everything she needs. That she can have me to lean on, to support her while she chases her dreams. One year to show her everything I can offer her. I'm not a Lima loser. I may not be New York ready yet, but I've got one year to get there. And I'll do whatever it takes to make that happen.


	43. Scene 43 Who Am I?

It's senior year and I'm finally in a good place, quarterback of the football team, dating Rachel, co-captain of the glee club, yeah this is going to be a good year. Last year was rough, between getting kicked off the football team, the break up with Rachel, getting back together with Quinn, and losing Nationals, there probably isn't a lot that needs to be done to make this year better, but I'm determined to make this the best year ever. But of course there is always someone there to ruin a good thought as Jacob Ben Israel is shoving a microphone in my face and asking questions I can't answer. What am I going to do in the future? Mediocre quarterback? Why does anyone even let this asshat talk?

I try and answer the questions, but really I don't have the answers myself. What am I supposed to say? "Sure I don't really know what I want to be when I grow up but that's totally cool." I can't say that, everyone else has a plan, everyone has a goal. Kurt knows exactly what he wants and seems to have scheduled his life up until the age of 85. Rachel is already set on her mission of getting to New York and I'm pretty sure she has a notebook full of everything she's going to pack to take with her down to which stuffed animals will make the trip.

Even Puck has his pool cleaning business that he wants to keep up after high school. But all I have is the garage. Burt has been letting me work there after school and it's nice, I enjoy helping out and feeling like I am actually useful for once. Rachel is supportive and I like when she comes by to keep me company but let's face it, Rachel isn't going to stick around for some grease monkey. And even though she's always telling me that I'm better than just working in the tire shop, what if I'm not?

I need to get moving on this life thing. I need to figure out where mine is going before everyone leaves me behind. But I can't. Because I don't know what I want out of life. I want to be with Rachel, but I can't go to New York. I'm not good enough for New York. Look what I did last time I was there. I lost. No, I need to figure out what I'm doing before she realizes that I'm not good enough for her either. Really let's just face it, I'm lost. And I don't know who I'm supposed to be.

Maybe it's football, I did win the championship game last year, sure I needed the girls to do it, but I still won. That was me. I'm sure eventually that's going to work out for me and then I'll go to college on a football scholarship and I'll get out of this town and I'll be good enough to make it with Rachel. That's the Finn Hudson I need to be. But as soon as I climb out and start to build toward something good, I'm brought back down with the cold sticky reality of my life. I'm Finn Hudson, Lima loser covered in corn syrup. Maybe that's who I'll always be.


	44. Scene 44 Fix you

Being with Rachel is a challenge. She's very ambitious and sometimes she doesn't see past that ambition. I love Rachel more than anyone but it's hard when you can see that she's doing something for all the wrong reasons. She wasn't interested in running for school president until after her audition. Honestly I was confused on why she was so freaked out after she sang anyway. She was amazing. No one sings like Rachel. She might have thought Mercedes sang better than her, but I don't. No one can sing better than Rachel. She just has something that no one else in this stupid town has. She's special and I don't always understand how she doesn't see that.

Maybe once she gets the role in the play she'll see it and she'll quit this stupid election. After spending the evening listening to Kurt yell and moan about how Rachel did this on purpose and how out of line she was I feel like I'm trapped in the middle. Kurt expects me to vote for him because I'm his brother; Rachel wants me to vote for her because I'm her boyfriend. Honestly I don't want to vote for either one of them at this point. None of this would have even happened if they weren't both freaking out about getting in to NYADA. It's all I've heard about for the past week and it's making them both anxious and they are attacking each other. They are supposed to be best friends, not at each other's throats.

I can see it all over her face as she approaches my locker. Disappointment. So of course I'm surprised when she says she got it. Not that I'm surprised that she got the part because really no one is more suited for that role but Rachel. But she's not happy about getting it. Something about Mercedes quitting and winning by default. I don't always know what she's going on about but from what I'm getting from the conversation she wanted to win it outright, not feel like she was the only choice. But she doesn't get it, she's better than everyone. She always will be. And people can't deal with that. They are blinded by being angry and jealous of her that they can't see what I see. She's amazing.

I expect her to quit the election now but she's making up some excuse about changing the world and when did Rachel ever want to do that from a podium? She's making excuses, being lost in her ambition again. I'm disappointed because she knows it too, but she won't admit it. She won't just own up to the fact that she did this for all the wrong reasons. Like last year when she sent Sunshine to the crack house and said she did it for the team. I know Rachel better than anyone and she can't hide from me. She can tell everyone else that she did this to change the world, but she didn't. She did this for herself. And I love her but sometimes it's that side of her ambition that I don't know how to counteract. It's the side of her that pushes people away.

I walk away from her knowing that it doesn't matter what I say right now, there is a time to talk to Rachel and a time when nothing settles in. So I leave, because there is no point in starting a fight. We'll talk tonight and maybe she'll listen and maybe it will take a few weeks, but she can't push me away. I'm not going anywhere and she knows that. She knows that I know why she does the stupid things she does, she knows that I'm still there despite that and she knows that even though she gets this way, that she goes home and cries because she's broken and sad, that I'll do whatever she needs to be there to fix her.


	45. Scene 45 Leprechaun Lies

What the heck is going on around here? First Mercedes leaves and now she's trying to get Santana to join her. We're supposed to be a team; this is our year that we are going to win it all. Why is everyone being so self involved that they can't pull together as a group? I get that Rachel has been given solos during competition but why is everyone so quick to forget that she didn't' even sing at sectionals last year. Sam, Quinn, and Santana sang. And do they forget that Rachel gave her solo to Mercedes sophomore year at Sectionals? Sure we got screwed and our song got stolen by those female girls from juvie, but who saved us? Not Mercedes, Rachel was the only one to come up with something on the fly and sing her way to the win. No one ever appreciates the fact that she can do that, just pull a song out and kill it like she does. She deserves the solo. Mr. Schue wouldn't give it to her if he didn't think she was the best.

I don't understand why they can't just practice and try out like everyone else and let the best person for the team sing the damn song. This is so petty. It's not like I don't understand the whole jealousy thing. I get it. After last year with Jesse St Jackass coming in and taking my feet out from under me and now this year with Blaine-I-sing-better-than-you-do-even-without-a-blazer-Anderson joining Glee, I'll never get a solo or duet again. He's already being paired with Rachel for all our songs. So I get it and I'm pissed about it but obviously it means he's better than me and I guess if that's what the team needs to win then I have to trust Mr. Schue. I don't have to like it and honestly the guy pisses me off even when he isn't trying but I like Blaine, he's good for Kurt and he's a nice guy. And I just have to face facts; I'm obviously not that good.

But then that new guy Rory tells me that Santana convinced Brittany to join that all girls group with Rachel's mom by pretending to be a leprechaun and now I'm really pissed. That just can't be true. Brittany wouldn't abandon the team. She's not like that. But when I find her and she tells me it's true, that she really did quit because a leprechaun told her to, I'm angry. Why does she do that? I get that sometimes she's a little slow and she says things that don't make sense, even to me but this is ridiculous. Santana is using her, manipulating her to get her to destroy our team. I didn't mean to call her an idiot. It just kind of came out. I like Brittany but she needs to face facts just like the rest of us and grow up. I'm reminded of it every day that I need to so what gives her a free pass to believe in little green Irish dudes that grant wishes. It's an excuse to join Santana and she's getting away with it.

And don't even get me started on Santana and her vile name calling. Honestly, sleeping with her was the biggest mistake of my life but the girl has issues. Everyone in Glee knows she's in love with Brittany but even she's too much of a coward to admit it to anyone. So she picks on everyone else around her instead. But now she's gone too far and she's ruining something that actually means something to me. Losing three people to another team will destroy New Directions. And instead of coming together, we're tearing each other apart.


	46. Scene 46 Apologies

So they're good. No, they're really good. Mr. Schue looks worried and I hate that because really he's our leader and if he's worried then maybe we really can't beat them. Rachel keeps telling me over and over that it doesn't matter; when it comes down to it our group will overcome because of who we are. But who are we really? Just a bunch of kids who like to sing. Together, with all of us, we were special. But that's falling apart. But I don't want to lose my friendships with everyone. I can't let the division take that away. And I definitely don't want to hurt people I care about. I'm not that person; my mom didn't raise me to be like that. Sure Santana can attack me and forget about it the next day, but I can't just call someone an idiot and leave that hanging out there. Not with Brittany, she's never done anything to me.

I see them talking down the hall and I swallow hard as I approach them. I need them to know that there are no hard feelings, even though I'm hurt that they all jumped ship and just left us, I can't hold it against them and if they feel like they need to do this, then who am I to stop them? I need to be the leader I keep claiming I am. And if I can extend a hand of friendship then the rest of New Directions will know its ok. Of course Brittany forgives me, she's like that. She's trusting and sweet and never stays mad long.

I'm sad obviously that it has to be this way; I wanted to go to Nationals this year and prove everyone wrong about us. And maybe we still can. Maybe we can find new members or figure out a way to pull it together and get this done, but obviously it's going to be harder without voices like the three we just lost. But I can't give up. I have to believe that we can do this. We still have Rachel, we have Blaine and Kurt and everyone else that hasn't jumped ship and together we can still do this. I have to believe this if the rest of the team is going to stay positive.

I'm a leader and that's who I have to be right now. Even though I don't feel like I'm doing much leading lately, and too often I find myself standing around doing nothing when I should be standing up and fighting, I know I need to snap out of this, this is my future too. I need to do something to prove that I can still lead this team. I need to prove it to them and to myself. Last year we really pulled together to bring in new members like Sam. I did that, I brought him in to our group and he got us through Sectionals. I just need to find myself another Sam.


	47. Scene 47 Ireland

I can hear the noise from the other side of the hall. The hockey team is at it again with someone else. I thought that when Karofsky left that the bullying would slow down, but as usual someone just picks up in their place. That someone is the hockey pucks. When I round the corner I see that they have the new kid Rory up against a locker. I'm honestly tired of the way we treat people here and it's time to take a stand. I almost laugh when they say they that I'm going to run to Mr. Schue because honestly it took him forever to be able to get Kurt any assistance last year. But Coach Beiste won't stand for bullying and everyone knows that and you can tell that they do too because they back off and leave.

I feel bad when the kid thinks I'm going to be mad at him. Honestly how can I be mad at someone for trying to fit in and make friends? We've all done it; we've all been that person that did something to fit in that we weren't proud of. God knows I did my fair share of that. But I'm not that guy anymore. I don't care about popularity and where I fit in. It's about more than that. It's about knowing who you are and not caring about the rest. Rachel taught me that. She showed me that you couldn't judge someone based on their popularity because you might miss something important. If I had stayed away from Rachel because of what other people thought about her I wouldn't be where I am today and I wouldn't have her.

Rory is a nice kid; he's the kind of kid who would get eaten alive here on his own. He's kind of a misfit, like the rest of New Directions. On our own we don't always fit into the places we should, but together we are strong. He's going to need people like us to help him out if he's going to survive here. I don't even know if the kid can sing but really neither could Mike when he started with us. So I take a chance and bring him to Glee club, to the one place he can be accepted. Sure we have our faults and we aren't always nice to each other but at the end of the day, we accept each other and honestly we need each other right now. It's the only way we are going to survive to get through Sectionals.

And what do you know, the kid can sing and I feel pretty proud of myself for taking that chance. Sometimes taking chances totally works out for you, or so Rachel always tells me. But this one did and now we have one more person to make us strong so that we can win Sectionals and get to Regionals and maybe, just maybe we can get another shot at Nationals this year. Maybe this year, we can win together. But we gotta start somewhere and it looks like this year it starts in Ireland.


	48. Scene 48 The First Time?

"Put a Berry on top" I argued with her when she wanted that on the top of her campaign posters. Honestly it's a bit suggestive and I don't really want other guys thinking about Rachel on top of them. But she thinks it's cute so I find myself putting these up all over the school. She's adorable today. Something is different about her, she's confident and cheerful and something I just can't put my finger on. She still wants to know who I'm voting for and honestly I'd prefer to just boycott the election and not vote for anyone. Between her and Kurt I have to listen to them every day. She has a point though I definitely wouldn't make out with Kurt. But she isn't normally so open with her affection. But today, today she's kissing me in the halls and making my heart race. Sure things have been heating up between us lately but we're still stuck at 2nd base.

I tell her about the football recruiter and I'm shocked when she's happy for me. I know that it's not going to be easy if she's in New York and I'm in Ohio but I'm starting to believe that it wouldn't matter because it's me and Rachel and we can get through anything. I love her so much and I'd do anything for her. I take a chance and invite her over, my mom and Burt are really busy with this campaign thing and honestly I just want to be alone with her. I've been working at the tire shop to save up for a hotel when the time is right but I'm pretty sure she won't have won a Tony before she graduates high school. But then she kisses me and there is something different in the kiss. It's something more suggestive and it makes me wonder if maybe she's ready too.

She still thinks I'm the hottest guy in school and it makes my heart do these weird flip flops when she says that. And the way she's been looking at me today has my brain in a constant state of arousal, along with the rest of my body. But that kiss, that meant something else. Because I totally think she wants me. I can't take her to the hotel yet, but I can definitely make it a night to remember. I'm sure I can cook dinner without burning the house down at least, and of course I have to have music. But only stuff I know she likes cuz she got really annoyed the last time I played Pantera in the truck. I sure don't want to annoy her at that particular moment. But I can put together something special for her.

Kurt says moments that you want to remember need sparkling cider so I'll have to ask him where to get that stuff because I definitely want to remember this. My first time with Santana shouldn't even count, cuz really she's practically on the other team now and I hated it and if you hate your first time it can't count right? That has to be a rule somewhere. Besides this is with Rachel, so it makes everything different. Because Rachel is special, and I love her, and I want to make this perfect for her. I want everything to be right. And I need protection. I can't believe I'm even going to say this cuz he did get my last girlfriend pregnant and all but I need to talk to Puck. He has way more experience with girls and he'll know what I need to buy.

I don't even realize my hopes are up until she walks away and I'm left there feeling more than excited about the whole thing because I really think Rachel and I are gonna do it. Holy shit! I might be having sex with Rachel Berry. Oh God! Everything hits me at once and I sort of just sit and stare all through Spanish class because I can't believe this might even be happening. I can't screw this up. It's her first time and a girls first time is supposed to be perfect. I'm going to do this right. I want everything to be special because if she's willing to do this with me, if she's going to give me her virginity, she must really love me. Because she wouldn't sleep with just anyone. She had the chance to do it with both Jesse and Puck and she's choosing me. Rachel Berry is choosing Finn Hudson and that means something. Rachel doesn't do anything unless it means something and I'm going to make sure that everything is perfect.


	49. Scene 49 Dodgeball

Assless JLo? What the hell kind of insult was that Hudson. I had hoped that Rory would be able to deliver a blow but I immediately realized that Rory was even worse off than I was when it came to dealing with Santana. I knew she was going to tear us apart. She always did. Santana had a way of taking everything I said and destroying it like I never existed. I knew sleeping with her was a mistake, but it was almost like it was something she was going to make me pay for, for the rest of my life. I stood there as she talked, the smile on her face shining through. She loved this, loved beating me, loved showing me up. I hated that she was tearing my club apart. The troubletones vs. New Directions. This was supposed to be our year to win as a team and here we are fighting against each other. I had to show her, to show her that New Directions wasn't going to back down to her. She was always so aggressive.

And that's when it hit me. New Directions vs. The Troubletones. Aggression. I needed to take the fight down to something she would understand. Down to something I could beat her at. Dodgeball. Her face lit up at the suggestion. I knew she would take the bait. I knew she couldn't back down from a fight. Forget this sing off crap, sing off's were for losers, or Jesse St. James. No, we were gonna settle this on our level. A fight to the finish, best team wins, no teachers, no rules. As she walked away satisfied with my terms Rory started asking me what the hell dodgeball was and I hoped that the rest of New Directions would be better suited for the challenge. We needed to beat them. We needed to show them that standing together as a team they couldn't stop us. It was the only way to get them all to come back, to get them to fight with us and not against us. Maybe there was still time for us to come together as a team.

But I should have known better. I was dealing with Santana Lopez. And she didn't go down without a fight. I was stupid to think that I could beat her physically. She was the toughest girl I knew. I needed to find another way to get her to see what she was doing. To get her to stop with the insults and the brutality toward the only people who really cared about her in this school. Didn't she understand that we were all here for her? Sure she called everyone names, and basically she seemed to hate everyone but there was a reason for that. It wasn't like she did it just to be mean. She had to understand why she acted this way didn't she? Finn was sure that she did. But she was Santana and even if she saw what she was doing it didn't mean she had any intention to stop doing it. He needed to find another way to reach her. He needed her to understand herself before she could understand anyone else.


	50. Scene 50 Hallway Encounter

I can take this, I can take every nasty thing she says about me, calling me fat had become her only conversations with me lately. But I can take it. Sure I had enough issues about myself that sometimes it was hard to hear. Sometimes having her say the exact things my own brain had been screaming, hurt. And I had talked to Rachel about it a lot lately. How I felt about myself. She was always reassuring me that I'm not fat, that I'm the hottest guy in school and she makes me feel like a million bucks. I don't care what I actually look like, because Rachel thinks I'm hot. And sure ever since we started having sex she has been showing me that she meant that as often as she could.

But Santana really didn't know how to play nice. I'm pretty sure that every word that has ever come out of her mouth was meant to bruise, to hurt, to cut. I don't know how one person could hate everyone so much that she has nothing nice to say. But I know that it's not really about everyone else. It's about her. We all saw it coming, the whispers in the choir room about her and Brittany. The way that they hung out most of the time, holding hands, whispering in the corner. I knew that there was more going on there than anyone else in the school saw. She looks at Brittany the same way that I look at Rachel. And then last year when the Muckraker started screwing up everyone's lives, they posted that story about her being in the closet. She denied it of course but it only confirmed what I had already suspicioned.

It made sense honestly, the way that she would sleep with all the football players, even the night that she and I did it; there was nothing personal about it to her. It was like she had a mission, and when she completed it there was no reward. Nothing to make her happy about it. She told me that I would get used to the feeling like there was nothing behind it. That sex was a means to an end and I didn't understand back then how she could say that. But now I know. I know that she does this stuff, sleeping around, lashing out, because she's punishing herself. She wants to hurt the one person who let her down, Santana.

I don't know why I snapped. I'm always so careful to just let her say what she has to say and walk away, but hearing her say that I had no talent that I was just going to live off of Rachel's talent. It hurt. It hurt worse than anything she had ever said. Was that really true? It feels like it. I feel like I'll never be good enough to make it like Rachel will. What am I going to do? Fix her car for her so she can get to rehearsal? Honestly, I don't know one thing I'm good at right now that is worthy of Rachel. So I snapped. I lashed out and spoke without thinking. But it was the truth. I only want her to stop hurting herself. To stop trying to cut down everyone else because she can't stand to look in the mirror every morning. I know how that feels, to wake up and see yourself and not know if you will ever be proud of the person looking back at you. I understand that part of what she's going through. I just hope that one day she stops. Because it's hard enough for everyone at school to deal with their own issues and flaws without someone having to point them out to you every chance they get.


	51. Scene 51 Perfect

I have to help her, to somehow make this up to her. I had screwed up and no matter how many times Rachel told me that it wasn't my fault I knew that at least some of the blame fell on my shoulders. I shouldn't have said that in the hallway. Shouldn't have let other people hear our conversation, no matter what she said to me it wasn't my place to say it publicly. I never meant for someone else to hear it, the words just sort of slipped out. I didn't think that anyone else cared about our conversation. But apparently they did and now the whole town is going to know that Santana is gay. Kurt was pissed at me. He kept telling me how it was to come out to your school on your own terms but to have someone else do it was mortifying. But he told me that what was done is done and now I have to make it right. I talked to Rachel and Kurt about my idea and they were pretty sure that Santana would hate it, but I have to try. I have to get her to come back to the choir room so I can apologize somehow.

But then we got called to Figgins office and they said they were going to suspend her and after everything else I had done this seemed even crueler to actually kick her out of school right now. So I told them she didn't slap me. It was genius. First off she wouldn't get suspended if I refused to say she did anything and second she would owe me. She would have to come back to the choir room now. She wouldn't have a choice. I had to make her see that she had to face this. She can't run away like she always does. She was pretty pissed that I had beaten her at her own game and part of me was pretty proud that I actually thought of it. But she agreed to come back to Glee for the day. Now I just needed to get everyone else on board. I had a quick meeting with the rest of New Directions, it was pretty cool cuz I felt like an actual leader again and Blaine and Kurt agreed to sing her a song, something that would make her feel like she was worth it.

Surely once she has Kurt and Blaine singing "Perfect" to her then she'll have to start to treat everyone better because having Kurt and Blaine sing to you is almost like staring at two happy puppies dancing around each other, who the hell could still feel bad about themselves after that right? It's a genius plan. And again it was my plan; maybe I don't suck as a leader as much as I thought I did. Sometimes my ideas are actually kinda good. Even Mr. Schue thought so. This was going to work, it had to because honestly the more I talk to Kurt about people hiding in the closet and feeling bad about themselves the more I'm starting to worry about her.


	52. Scene 52 No Regrets

Of course she hated it. Getting in to her is like breaking in to Fort Knox. She's never going to crack. She's only hurting herself at this point, the constant negative attitude, the way she refuses to let anyone near her. In the end she's the one who is going to lose. But we are all going to lose her. I sat up and watched some special that Kurt had on DVD about gay kids who killed themselves because they couldn't come to terms with the bullying and the way they felt about themselves and I realized that if no one else was going to be able to reach her that it was going to have to be me. I had to find a way. I didn't plan to sing to her; honestly I haven't felt like I have the talent for it anymore. Blaine's our lead. I just have to get used to it. But I did this, I caused this, I have to be the one to fix it.

I had gone over to Rachel's earlier in the day to talk about song ideas and when I got to her house she was dancing around her bedroom to some song. I remembered it because it was in that movie she made me watch about some dance show that I hated. But when I went home and Googled the words there was this stripped down version of it and I knew I needed to sing it to her. I heard from Brittany that she wasn't going to come to the choir room today so I went to find her. She looked sad and it broke my heart that I had anything to do with that. You can't erase who you are. And you can't erase your past. I've realized that this year. I wanted to forget that I lost my virginity to Santana since it happened. I wanted to erase it, to hide it. When Rachel found out about it from Santana herself I hated her. I hated that she could hurt Rachel so easily when I knew that the entire night never meant anything to her to begin with.

It's funny that having sex with Rachel for the first time got me to see that even though my first time wasn't how I had planned for it to go; it was still my first time. No matter who it was with or how it happened, I would still be forever linked to Santana Lopez for the act alone. I wasn't in love with her, it wasn't earth shattering, or the most unforgettable thing I had ever experienced, but it would always mean something to me. Being with Rachel, understanding what it means to have sex with someone, to love someone has finally helped me to see that you can't look back on your life with regrets because everything happens for a reason. And for whatever reason there was, Santana was my first. And right now she needed a friend; she needed to feel like she mattered. Like she was worth something more than just the girl who did other chicks. She was more than the person everyone was whispering in the hall about.

But more than anything I needed her to know that she was worth more than what she saw in herself. Everyone used her for something and she let them. Hell I used her to make Rachel jealous when I had sex with her. I was just as guilty of creating Santana Lopez as everyone else around her. But I was done seeing her tear herself down with every hateful word she used against people. Every hateful word that she was actually saying to herself. It was time I stood up and became the leader I said I was. I couldn't trust this to anyone else. I was going to have to do this myself.


	53. Scene 53 Rachel did what?

Why would someone cheat for Kurt? Maybe Blaine wanted Kurt to win so badly that he cheated to prove a point? None of this makes any sense but I know Kurt wouldn't do this. I need Rachel to know that I didn't do it. She's going to blame me, think that I wanted to help my brother win. But the last thing I expected was for her to tell me that she did it. Rachel cheated? It doesn't make sense. Rachel never cheats, not even on stupid stuff. She made me do all of my Math homework on my own and when we started fooling around before I finished the last problem she wouldn't give me the answer, forcing me to finish the problem before she let me continue what we were doing.

So I don't understand why she would cheat now. She could ruin everything for Kurt if he gets suspended for this. She has to tell the truth. We talked about it later that night as she cried about ruining her career and not getting accepted into NYADA because of it, but I told her that even she didn't tell the truth that everything she had worked for, all the times she talked about being honest and showing people what she was worth would be a lie. I love Rachel and I know that she takes everything about her future seriously and sometimes she's misguided in the things that she does, it doesn't make her a bad person, but this time she really wrong. And she needed to own up to it.

I knew that if she didn't she would regret letting anyone else take the fall for her own mistake. And that's what it was, a mistake. I knew that she didn't mean to get anyone in trouble. I also knew that if Kurt had won she would have felt awful for cheating. So we decided that night that she would tell Figgins the next day. So while I was happy that Santana was coming to grips with her situation, a part of me was with Rachel, knowing where she was while everyone else was celebrating in the choir room. I knew that she was talking to Figgins and facing whatever punishment she would be given.

What I didn't know was that they would actually suspend her, that she would miss the competition next week. I mean seriously, all I had to do was say that Santana didn't slap me and they let her off the hook. Karofsky could bully and threaten to kill my brother but he got to come back no harm no foul. So the fact that they actually suspended her made me angry. And I spent most of the night holding her while she cried in my arms, worrying that nothing she did would make up for this mistake and that she would be stuck in Lima forever, her dreams ruined. I wasn't going to let that happen to her. We'd always find a way. That's what she always tells me. Together we'll figure it out.


	54. Scene 54 Big Demands

Rachel's Jewish right? I mean I thought for sure that she said she didn't want to do this whole Christmas present thing. I was going to get her one anyway but all of a sudden she's tossing a list of stuff in my hands and honestly I don't even know what half of this stuff is. What does a girl do with 53 hair bows anyway? Kurt had to have said something to her. I asked the guys what I should get her and they were of no help at all. What would Rachel do with soil? New socks could be nice, I do enjoy when she wears those knee high ones with her skirts during school or even better when she's over at night and Burt and mom go out and she's just wearing the socks as she lays on my bed. That's sexy. But I think I would be embarrassed to give her socks and have to explain to her why I was getting them for her. I don't think saying that I want to see her in just knee socks is the best way to say Merry Christmas.

Though I can't see how teeth whitening is very romantic. It's our first Christmas together. Last year was depressing as hell. I had already bought her present but there was no way I was giving it to her after that whole thing with Puck. I'm kinda glad I don't have the urge to punch him in the face anymore. While I'm glad I gave her the necklace later on, I want this Christmas to be special. I want to do something nice for her, something she'll really like, and something that doesn't cost a fortune. I've been working at the garage and saving up money but not enough to buy her something expensive like diamonds. I kinda hope she'll understand that. The Rachel I know would. She would be completely thankful but I have no idea where this Rachel standing in front of me holding the most ridiculous list ever came from.

This is worse than that list she was making of all the stuff we had done wrong that week. I put a stop to that quickly because honestly I didn't need to be reminded that putting my gym socks in my book bag was a sure fire way to make her angry and not make out with me after school, and I hated when she would list off all the stuff that she thought she had said wrong in a day. We're supposed to be there for each other no matter what supporting each other. Not telling the other one what they did wrong. I love her because off all that silly stuff she does, even the stuff that gets on my nerves because it's her. So how the heck was I supposed to find a really good gift, that didn't cost a fortune, and would make my newly found Kardashian princess happy? Obviously it was time for me to do some research online. I just hoped I could figure it out before Christmas.


	55. Scene 55 Santa Baby

I should have listened to Kurt. He told me getting her an African sow pig was a terrible idea but I told him that Rachel would think the idea was totally cool. And I really believed that until I realized that vegans probably didn't eat pigs, and giving your vegan girlfriend a pig for slaughter probably seemed like a really awful idea. I'm an idiot. Her face said it all. I bought her a pig. What the hell was I thinking? Rachel didn't yell at him though, she just pushed the pig back into his hands and told him to go back to the start basically. He wouldn't be trusting Google this time, whoever said Google was their friend had obviously never tried to search "What to buy your high maintenance diva girlfriend for Christmas or Hanukkah." Because obviously African sow pig was the wrong answer.

I need to talk to someone else. I tried asking my mom but she just started crying about how happy she was that Rachel and I were back together and how cute it was that we were still together and it was Christmas and obviously we hadn't broken up yet so we must be doing something right this time and I finally got tired of listening and went back to my room. And that's how the sow pig happened. No this time I had to pull out the big guns. I needed to find the person who knew what a girl wanted. I needed to find Santana. She would know exactly what to get a girl like Rachel.

What I didn't realize is that it would take so long. I'm not talking about going to a million stores or spending half an hour looking through something. No it took four hours at one jewelry store. FOUR HOURS! And we spent more time looking at stuff Santana liked or wanted. The girl was straight up crazy if she thought I was buying her anything at that store. At one point she told the man behind the counter that I was her sugar daddy and had authorized her to purchase anything she wanted. Before I knew what was happening there were employees everywhere putting bracelets on her wrists and rings on her fingers as she spun around in circles like the fucking queen.

When I finally told the guy that I worked as a mechanic in a garage and was still in high school and this wasn't even my girlfriend they were less than friendly about helping us out. But we did manage to find the best earrings that $89.26 cents could buy. Sure I had to sell my letterman's jacket to afford them but it was worth it to know that I could get her something to make her whole face light up even brighter than the sky with a million stars shining down on her. One day I'm going to give her the stars and the moon but until then heart shaped earrings were going to have to do.


	56. Scene 56 Best Christmas Ever

I couldn't wait to give her the presents I got her. I waited all day until the end of school before I went looking for her. When she found me she was all excited and jumpy and I was surprised when she showed me the pig in her locker. I had wondered where it had gone. I noticed last night that it was missing from my backpack and I felt awful for losing it. But here was Rachel, naming it Barbara and putting it up in her locker like she was proud to have it. I really do love her. But she was right; it was an awful Christmas gift. Rachel was definitely more deserving of something besides a pig and the idea had hit me when I got home and showed my mom the earrings I bought. She said they twinkled like stars and that's when I remembered my failed Google experiment and the whole naming a star. I quickly went online and looked it up and I was excited to think I could name it whatever I wanted to.

I typed in: Rachel Berry but for some reason I didn't hit submit. I stared at the page before deleting it and typing my own name. She didn't need a star, she was already one. But I'm not. I would never be as good as Rachel, but I'd always be there for her, watching over her. No matter where we ended up after high school I would always be there for her. I was pretty proud of myself. It wasn't often that I came up with awesome ideas like this but when I did I made sure they were special. Because she deserved that. And from the look on her face I made the right choice. She needed to know that I thought she was pretty damn near perfect and special and talented and everything she wanted to be. And I'm going to be her biggest supporter, forever, because that's what I do. No matter where my dreams lead me, Rachel is my star. Now I can be hers to.

But of course I couldn't just give her a star because just like that pig she couldn't hold a star. Sure she could like hug herself and stuff but that wasn't the same thing. But when I gave her the earrings I thought maybe I had done something wrong cuz she looked almost sad by them. I knew they weren't the biggest diamonds but they were pretty awesome. Once again though, Rachel made me proud of her. It wasn't that the earrings were bad or wrong, but she knew that they didn't matter. She didn't need them to make her happy. We had each other. I kinda wish she had thought of that before I hocked my letterman's jacket, but that really wasn't the point. She had just told him that gifts and things didn't matter, what mattered was giving back. And that's exactly what they did. He hated giving back his IPod she bought him but in the spirit of Christmas he felt pretty good about it.

They had spent the rest of the night handing out with Sam and Rory ringing those bells and while not too many people stopped to give, he felt good about all the people who did. Felt like maybe he did something good for other people and maybe that was what being a star was all about. Maybe it didn't matter how good you were at something, maybe what mattered was what you had with you while you were doing it. And he had Rachel and Rachel had him and for that reason alone they would always be stars. A part of something special. It really was the best Christmas ever because he had the best girlfriend he could ever ask for.


End file.
